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A few weeks ago I found myself doing a much needed clean-out of my closet. Naturally, I came across pieces that I hadn’t worn in a very long time, which usually means that it’s time to throw them in the donation pile. But instead I found myself holding onto them, debating what I should do.
In that moment I realized something particularly profound. That giving away these clothes meant letting go of something that I no longer am, skinny.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not delusional. I am well aware that I am what society would consider “thin”. This is my natural build and one that I suspect some people torture themselves to have. The skinny that I am referring to is the frail, rail-like skinny that I used to be. The bone-popping, thigh-gap skinny that I wore proudly. The skinny that was hungry and overworked.
A long time ago I heard my idol Oprah Winfrey say something that ended up sticking with me for years. It was something along the lines of “never buy bigger jeans, keep working to fit into your old ones”. While I respect Oprah in many domains, weight-loss and body image isn’t one of them. If I knew then what I know now, I never would have listened. But of course hindsight is 20/20.
Nevertheless, I listened and I did everything in my power to fit into those jeans. In the process I discovered the secret to skinny. Spoiler alert: it’s not worth it.
This secret would end up taking over my life for more years than I wish to tell. Being skinny was my first priority. I masked my attempts in the face of “health” but inside I knew what I was doing. And here’s exactly what I did:
I ate a lot of salads.
I worked out every single day. On most days it was a mix of cardio and weights and on “rest days” I walked/ran on a steep incline on the treadmill.
Diet coke was my best friend.
Calories were meant to be counted.
If I was drinking, I either ate less or worked out more and these “drinks” usually consisted of shots…lots of shots.
I looked at my body in the mirror, a lot.
Binge days would happen that usually started with a hangover, followed by a jumbo-sized bag of PB m&ms with a side order of guilt.
And here’s how I felt:
Exhausted. My body was literally crying out for rest. By-products of this negligence still remain to this day i.e. chronic leg and back pain.
Hungry. Food was on my mind all.the.time
Guilty. I actually felt ashamed if I skipped a workout or binged.
Frustrated. I felt like no matter what I did I could never look how I wanted to look.
I had discovered the secret to skinny, but I lost all the joy in my life.
My habits today are far removed from that girl who ran endless miles and ate rabbit food for sustenance. They changed because I wanted them to. Because once I figured out the secret to skinny, I realized it wasn’t worth it. I valued living my life over planning it.
How I came to these conclusions is a post for another day and quite honestly is still an ongoing process. For the most part I now eat when and what I want and move my body when and how it wants to but not surprisingly some of my clothes no longer fit. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a moment where I thought of dear old Oprah’s saying and considered doing what I had to to get back in those jeans.
I knew I had what it took to look skinny in my skinny jeans. I’d done it once, I could do it again. But while I definitely looked skinny, it was the furthest thing from how I felt.
I may have paused for a second to think about my decision but ultimately I knew those clothes belonged in the donation pile. I wasn’t turning back. Instead, I made the choice to accept myself, exactly as I am. Someone who is smart, driven, successful and beautiful. Someone who loves to walk and hike and fuel my body with veggies and wine. Sometimes more wine than veggies, and sometimes those veggies are french fries. Most of the time they’re not.
Giving away those clothes was the final straw in letting go of all of the negative habits that had previously taken over my life. It meant choosing to live each day as my happiest self instead of my skinniest self. Discovering that these two concepts are not intertwined is the greatest gift I ever could have received.
I now know the secret to happy and trust me folks, it looks nothing like skinny.
Great post! I too was bone popping skinny but was so unhappy (and ill…). Everyone thinks if ‘they could just be a size zero’ life would be a dream – alas that is not the case.
You look fab, fit and healthy and promote a fantastic eating ethos! Big smiles from me! 🙂
Thank you Jen!!!
I remember thinking that being skinny was the secret to being happy… not ever realizing that I -was- already really skinny in my early twenties, and that taking it further only shot me into ‘scary skinny’ territory. And the real kicker was that the skinnier I became, the unhappier I became as well. Womp, womp. My body has changed a lot over the past little while, especially now that I’m getting close to my 30’s. I won’t lie and say that I was perfectly fine with it at first (no one likes not being able to fit into a favourite pair of jeans), but the more time that passes, the more I realize that I’m actually a lot happier living this way than I was when I was a handful of lbs. less. I used to be able to justify the time and effort I put into fitting into a smaller pair of pants, but definitely not anymore. Been there, done that, wasn’t impressed.
Great post, love.
Thank you, my dear! Means a lot. I know you totally get it.
Fantastic post! I couldn’t agree more with everything you said. The skinny girl you described was me in college. It’s so nice to be able to look back on that time of my life now and have learned from it, but be on the outside looking in!
Yep. Yes. Holla. Amen.
I am incredibly happy and relieved to hear this perspective from you or any healthy living blogger. I’ve been there and done that too. Counting calories, working out beyond exhaustion, constantly looking in the mirror, comparing, feeling frustration and guilt. Oof, my heart hurts just thinking about those times. I’ve grown out of several of my clothes, and I realized a few weeks ago that I’m just not a “small” size in some things anymore. But that’s alright, because hey, at least I don’t look like a 12-year-old anymore. Most importantly, I AM happier than ever.
You rock, Davida!
You are actually amazing and to think you were ever anything less hurts my soul. For real, I just know incredible things are coming for you. Keep on being you!
Wonderful post, my love! Thanks for opening up today–that’s not always easy. You’ve come so far and it’s so clear what a fabulous relationship you have with food now. You live in the present, you’re not afraid to indulge, and you’re GLOWING. Calories are most definitely not meant to be counted, and that’s coming from some one in the calorie counting biz! Love you, lady!
I know you’re about to turn that biz on it’s head. They have no idea what’s coming 😉
Beautiful post – brought some inspiration to my Tuesday!
WOW Wednesday ! Apparently I need more coffee this morning.
Don’t worry, I only know what day of the week it is based on what my blogger’s post titles are. Monday is indicated by MIMM, Wednesday by WIAW and Thursday by Thinking out Loud. The other days I’m totally screwed LOL
I love this post!! You know I 100% relate to what you’re saying here. I know I can be skinny – I know how and I was damn good at it, to the point of having an eating disorder. But is it worth it? Not in the slightest – I’m so much happier letting my body be healthy and do what it needs to do, rather than trying to starve it into a certain pant size. So much respect and love for you, and I’m proud of you for choosing happiness.
I’m in love with this post, Davida. I’ve gone through a similar process and have come to a very similar conclusion! for me, having just a little extra meat on the bones is a sign of joy and vitality, which I’ve come to realize is SO more important than being skinny. it’s all about having a happy, healthy and balanced life, thigh gap or not!
Could not agree more! I cannot believe I ever thought a thigh gap would bring me happiness! My thighs touching is proof that I live my life and enjoy every minute of it.
It is so hard to hear about these stories – I think any ideas of weight loss and focus on getting “skinny” have to be thought of in very holistic ways. I am starting to draft some posts about my journey (and I am so proud that you opened up like this, it gives me courage!), but my journey started from the other side of the spectrum and needing to lose weight to be physically healthy. While I now love being active and eating well, I can see how easy it would be spiral down towards restriction and overexercise and I am very consciously finding balance in my life so I can stay HAPPY, FULL, and WELL RESTED 🙂 Stop making me love you so much, you healthy living maven!
If you ever want to chat or work out your own thoughts, I am here! It’s scary to open up but also freeing in many ways. I’m hoping that with more posts like this we can start changing the dialogue in this community 🙂
I’m so glad you’ve overcome the time in your life where the number on the scale, being skinny, working out all the time ruled your life. I used to be in that same boat, and that time in my life was so dark, so unfulfilling. I’m so grateful for the freedom that comes in realizing the pursuit of skinny’s so not worth my time. I love being able to enjoy life again, to savor food regardless of how many calories it contains (and not obsessively feel the need to exercise to ‘burn it off’).
Striving for some completely unrealistic goal is not living at all! I agree that those times feel full of darkness and sadness. Luckily we both came out better on the other side 🙂 Thanks for your comment Jaclyn!