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I think I’ve written and rewritten this post at least 10 times. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, and while the words are there, I’ve had trouble putting them together into a coherent post. I’m not sure I’ll be able to cover everything that I’d like to talk about, but it’s a start.
Friday night I got together with a close friend of mine. Zan and I have been friends since middle school. She is someone who I deeply admire and can always turn to for quality advice. We met up at a wine tasting event called Grand Cru where they were tasting over 200 wines. Thank you brother for being a wine agent/having the best job in the world and getting us in.
In the midst of our catching up I was snapping pictures of the wine, the food and the people (couldn’t find Goldie Hawn or Kiefer). I was smiling, I was laughing, I was eating and drinking what I wanted and I truly felt at ease. Unfortunately this version of me, the best version of me, hasn’t always been around.
I’ve always had an incessant, borderline compulsive need to plan. It’s a coping mechanism for me. When life gets crazy, as it inevitably does, I’ve turned to planning as a means of control. Planning meant consistency and predictability and I’d plan every second of my day to a T. The majority of my planning was focused on diet and exercise e.g. 5:00 AM runs, Sunday food preps, Tuesday yoga etc… While this helped me to get through some challenging times, it also left me incredibly stressed out. No matter how many people or how many times I was told to relax, I was not willing to listen. I would freak out if life deviated from “the plan”, even if that plan only existed in my head.
My stomach has always been the first to react when I’m feeling stressed out. Though I was eating a perfectly clean diet and exercising 6 days a week my stomach still continued to react badly to almost everything I ate. I tried eliminating every food under the sun, which ultimately stressed me out even more because I felt I needed to cook everything. I turned down social invitations. I refused alcohol. Meeting a friend for a wine tasting just wasn’t an option. I was following the plan. And I was unhappy.
It took me up until about few months ago to realize this was the source of my unhappiness. That I was leading a rigid and overly-planned life and I was missing out on all life’s beauty that happens in those unplanned moments. That all of these foods I’d eliminated and all of the exercise I was pushing myself through in an attempt to be “healthy” was stressing me out. And my body was trying every way to tell me this. I was preaching that healthy meant balance when deep down I knew my life was the furthest thing from balanced.
The reality is that I am young. So young. I basically have zero responsibilities and now is the time I should be having fun and letting the chips fall as they may. I can worry about planning once I have a family and other people’s lives to organize but for now I want to let go of the reigns. I want to workout when I want to and if I have the time, not because it’s scheduled. And I want to meal prep if I feel like cooking, not because it’s Sunday. I want to go out late and come home late. I want to make mistakes, and then I want to try to not make them again. I want to relax. I want to do all of these things, because I can. They say that “youth is wasted on the young”. I don’t want to look back in 20 years and wish I’d done things differently.
I got home Friday night after wine tasting with Zan and I truly felt comfortable with myself. I overdosed on cheese and drank too much wine and when I woke up Saturday morning surprisingly stomach ache-free and hangover-less I went to yoga, because I wanted to. It’s crazy how all the things that stress you out in life, the stomach aches, the injuries all seem to resolve when you just relax.
These past few months have been difficult and challenging, but for the first time in a long time I feel happy. My definition of healthy has changed and inevitably the blog will change. You won’t be hearing me blog about my weekly meal prep or workouts, my diet-du-jour or anything that starts with a p and ends in lan. What you can expect are some delicious and healthy recipes, the occasional indulgent one and perhaps a recap of nights I don’t actually remember. I’m trying this whole “fly by the seat of your pants” deal. I hope you’ll join me for the ride.
Have you ever found yourself overly planning your life?Â
I need to bookmark this to read it whenever I start to overplan! I’m happy to hear that your happy and were able to enjoy a weekend without worrying about the plans. Sometimes I start to worry when I don’t have plans but really I should start to loosen up more and just enjoy what comes!
Oh you know this resonates loud and clear with me! I am also a compulsive planner, and honestly, sometimes I feel like it’s the only way I can get everything done. I actually do enjoy being busy, but the stress of planning so rigidly and the inability to be flexible (and comfortable with it) definitely do impact me – and it shows in my stomach upset as well. I am learning to let go on the weekends, but I think it’s a process, and I honestly think the “right answer” is a balance – plan when you need to, let go when you can … and truly enjoy it. The balance is sure hard to find, but I look forward to approaching a better balance alongside you. Glad you had such a wonderful night!
Love this post, and definitely proud of you for coming to these realizations! I have a tendency towards planning everything – meals, workouts, social events…and I’ve realized how much more enjoyable things are when I go with the flow. I still meal plan dinners because it’s easiest for me, but I don’t worry about breakfast, lunch or snacks and don’t worry about it if the week doesn’t go exactly as planned. As for social events – I feel like I wasted most of my undergrad in the social sense because I refused to push my boundaries or go out of my regular routine, and that’s disappointing to me. I wasted my early twenties being withdrawn and afraid to push my boundaries, and I refuse to let that happen to my mid twenties. Which probably explains why I was out until almost 1 am on a Sunday night last night 😉
I can definitely relate! I am a notorious over-planner and when things don’t go according to plan, it really stresses me out! I’m trying to be a more go-with-the-flow kind of gal, but it’s really hard to break old habits! One of the areas of my life I tend to over-plan is my exercise schedule. I always plan workouts early in the morning and it was getting to the point where I would still force myself to go, even when it was obvious that I didn’t get enough sleep. Lately, I’ve been trying to be a little more relaxed about this and if I’m sore or exhausted I’ll skip my workout. I realized I won’t gain weight or lose everything I’ve worked for, just by changing my plans. In fact, my body is thanking me for it and I’m able to do more with my workouts when I’m not so tired, sore and stressed! Thanks for this post, I’ll join you and make an effort to ENJOY more of life! 🙂
Oh I love this post! I think it’s amazing that you’re rediscovering how to just let go and enjoy yourself. I completely agree with everything you said. Life is way too short to turn down cheese and wine! It’s exhausting to plan everything and even MORE exhausting to worry about the guilt that comes from not following the plan. I look forward to hearing more about your wine and cheese exploits and adventures!
Thank you so much for sharing this post. Personally, it could not have come at a better time! I am 100% the same way; I sit down on Sunday nights, I plan some of my meals and all of my workouts for the week, and as the days go by, I check it off my list. It’s great until the weekend hits and I veer off course a bit. By Sunday night/Monday morning, I feel like I need to make up for the fun that I had over the weekend. I’m slowly trying to move past those feelings, but I know a lot of it has to do with feeling like I have a lack of control. To top it all off, I’m moving across the country at the end of this month and have nothing settled in the new place yet (place to live, gym, etc.) so I’m definitely trying to hold tight to what I do have control over.. though it seems it sometimes inevitably causes a lack of control. Go figure!
Anywho, long rant over.. I really appreciate reading this post today. Perfect for a Monday morning reminder and I’m so happy for you that you’re beginning to let go.
So beautiful, Davida. I absolutely loved this post and it resonated with me so much. I’ve had chronic stomach problems my whole life and part if it is emotional stress and worrying too much. I know I’ve also been so worried in the past about how things will turn out in my future and what will happen to certain relationships and will I do well on that test/get that job/internship/whatever that it doesn’t end up making me feel better, it just makes me feel stressed and I don’t enjoy life as much. I will definitely ditch some of my own plans. Here’s to a wild and free November!
This is a beautifully written and heartfelt post my sweet Canadian lover. I can relate 100% to this… I used to control everything in my life, down to bathroom breaks (not really, but you get it). I used to be anal, organized, anti social and just kinda mean about things in life. I don’t know what it was, but something changed over the past few years and I just realized that life is better lived when you actually live it.
I am a firm believer in being reasonable about everything and though that is subjective, that is what works for me. 🙂 Stress makes me feel sick to my stomach so I threw that out the window and focused on just being myself and having a good time, each and every day. I think you’ll look back at these moments and realize how wonderful it is that you’re realizing this while you’re still young. Some people live their whole lives and never really release and let go. There’s no room to have fun if you plan your life away.
You are the most adorable human being ever and I’m so excited to read these things that you shared! You’re a wonder woman, and don’t ever forget. Bring on all the cheeses and wines in the world for Davida (or Davs, as you so cutely put it on Halloween!!!). Adorbz. Have a wonderful day!
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Great post, Davida. What you’re saying–straying away from the plan–is not easy, but totally worth it. I’ve gotten MUCH better at it these past couple months. I don’t beat myself up if I’d rather go to bed early than go to the gym in the evening. It happens and you know, that’s ok! Spending time with the people who mean the most to you is always more important than isolating yourself in the gym or in the kitchen (though those are important sometimes). Relaxing is so important and, though having a plan is smart, it’s not necessary every single day, in my opinion.
I completely agree. It’s okay to plan in order to enjoy your life, but your life should not be all about planning. I’m glad I’m learning this lesson now.
Such a great post! You are definitely not alone. I feel like I often fall into this trap too and forget to just stop and ENJOY the moment, and not always be planning for the next workout/meal/event.