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I think I’ve written and rewritten this post at least 10 times. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, and while the words are there, I’ve had trouble putting them together into a coherent post. I’m not sure I’ll be able to cover everything that I’d like to talk about, but it’s a start.
Friday night I got together with a close friend of mine. Zan and I have been friends since middle school. She is someone who I deeply admire and can always turn to for quality advice. We met up at a wine tasting event called Grand Cru where they were tasting over 200 wines. Thank you brother for being a wine agent/having the best job in the world and getting us in.
In the midst of our catching up I was snapping pictures of the wine, the food and the people (couldn’t find Goldie Hawn or Kiefer). I was smiling, I was laughing, I was eating and drinking what I wanted and I truly felt at ease. Unfortunately this version of me, the best version of me, hasn’t always been around.
I’ve always had an incessant, borderline compulsive need to plan. It’s a coping mechanism for me. When life gets crazy, as it inevitably does, I’ve turned to planning as a means of control. Planning meant consistency and predictability and I’d plan every second of my day to a T. The majority of my planning was focused on diet and exercise e.g. 5:00 AM runs, Sunday food preps, Tuesday yoga etc… While this helped me to get through some challenging times, it also left me incredibly stressed out. No matter how many people or how many times I was told to relax, I was not willing to listen. I would freak out if life deviated from “the plan”, even if that plan only existed in my head.
My stomach has always been the first to react when I’m feeling stressed out. Though I was eating a perfectly clean diet and exercising 6 days a week my stomach still continued to react badly to almost everything I ate. I tried eliminating every food under the sun, which ultimately stressed me out even more because I felt I needed to cook everything. I turned down social invitations. I refused alcohol. Meeting a friend for a wine tasting just wasn’t an option. I was following the plan. And I was unhappy.
It took me up until about few months ago to realize this was the source of my unhappiness. That I was leading a rigid and overly-planned life and I was missing out on all life’s beauty that happens in those unplanned moments. That all of these foods I’d eliminated and all of the exercise I was pushing myself through in an attempt to be “healthy” was stressing me out. And my body was trying every way to tell me this. I was preaching that healthy meant balance when deep down I knew my life was the furthest thing from balanced.
The reality is that I am young. So young. I basically have zero responsibilities and now is the time I should be having fun and letting the chips fall as they may. I can worry about planning once I have a family and other people’s lives to organize but for now I want to let go of the reigns. I want to workout when I want to and if I have the time, not because it’s scheduled. And I want to meal prep if I feel like cooking, not because it’s Sunday. I want to go out late and come home late. I want to make mistakes, and then I want to try to not make them again. I want to relax. I want to do all of these things, because I can. They say that “youth is wasted on the young”. I don’t want to look back in 20 years and wish I’d done things differently.
I got home Friday night after wine tasting with Zan and I truly felt comfortable with myself. I overdosed on cheese and drank too much wine and when I woke up Saturday morning surprisingly stomach ache-free and hangover-less I went to yoga, because I wanted to. It’s crazy how all the things that stress you out in life, the stomach aches, the injuries all seem to resolve when you just relax.
These past few months have been difficult and challenging, but for the first time in a long time I feel happy. My definition of healthy has changed and inevitably the blog will change. You won’t be hearing me blog about my weekly meal prep or workouts, my diet-du-jour or anything that starts with a p and ends in lan. What you can expect are some delicious and healthy recipes, the occasional indulgent one and perhaps a recap of nights I don’t actually remember. I’m trying this whole “fly by the seat of your pants” deal. I hope you’ll join me for the ride.
Have you ever found yourself overly planning your life?
So love this post Davida!
I am so looking forward to where your outlook takes you and what delicios food you put out!
Healthy, at the end of the day, is very much about balance in all things.
Thank you soooo much for sharing and opening up! It is NEVER EVER easy to do that. I know you’re not looking for compliments but I just want to encourage you by saying that I’m so happy for you–it just seems like God is leading you into a place of letting yourself be loved just the way you are, without having to achieve anything. I feel as though the lack of that truth and not knowing our true identity is what gets most of us. We’re always trying to perform and do something because we subconsciously want to be worth something, when really we just need to rest and love and be loved. I don’t know where that came from, but I’m just so happy to know that you’re finding your balanced place one day at a time! 😀
And as for me, I’m definitely not a planner (AT ALL!!! AND IT’S KINDA SCARY TO MY LOVED ONES, LOL) but I went through an overly planning stage when I struggled with my skewed image mindset in high school. That’s the only time in my life that I can recall being so uptight, unhappy, and stuck to a routine that I didn’t even know the reason for being so entrenched in it. Have a beautiful day and take care, beautiful! <33
Ok wow. There is so much in this post I can identify with. I too love to plan. I actually enjoy planning and feel better about myself when I have a plan. I plan out my meals, I plan out weekend activities, I plan vacations, I plan workout schedules. I love it. But, like you, I get major stomach aches and I freak out if things don’t go according to my plan. I think for me, finding more of a balance between planning and not planning is what I need to do. I know that I will not be able to make it through the workweek if I don’t have an idea for meals and the groceries to make them but I leave weekend meals open for spontaneous dinners out or whatever I feel like cooking. The same goes for other facets of my life. I think this is a really great post and I totally support you on your changed perspective. I can’t wait to hear more about your journey. Great post!!
This was written beautifully. Absolutely beautifully (and all coherent, so no worries there.). We come to self-realizations at the strangest times, and I think that those realizations happen when we are willing to open ourselves up to the world around us. So it’s really no surprise that you finally figured out what was gnawing at you when you were enjoying yourself. I can attest that planning can be a burden if you place too much weight on it. I look forward to following your continuing journey, lovely.
I went to yoga this weekend too. It always works out that when you just relax, all is okay. I think your realization is the most important part in all of this. As long as we realize we are over-planning, we can understand it and locate the reasoning. Great post!
I just found your blog via FitnessCrEATures, and am I ever glad I did! This is an awesome post, and it’s so very true. I tend to plan myself into an oblivion, and then I get really stressed out when the plan gets messed up. (Freaking out about missing meal plan Sundays? Holy moly, do I ever do that. Like a boss.) Thank you for the reminder that “the plan” isn’t the most important thing!
Davida, this is such an AMAZING post. I, like you, plan as a coping mechanism. I remember after a break-up a boy told me, “We’ll talk about in a week because I know you’re such a planner”. I get SO STRESSED when my plan is messed up. I get stressed thinking about my plans being messed up. I’m just like you – the 5 a.m. runs, the declines to social invitations if they revolve around drinking or eating, being too stressed to have fun… I’m trying to lighten up but it’s just so marvelous when you have a night where you are so carefree and so happy because of it. Thank you for this post, I really need the approval that it’s okay to just live and not have every second and morsel of food planned out.
These are the types of post I enjoy reading most… okay I do love a good recipe from here to there but this is SO relatable and makes me feel less alone (even though deep down I know I am not). This past month has been a whirlwind for me in terms of emotions, stress, schoolwork, diet and exercise. I was working out too much and eating too healthy that eventually my body caved and I began sleeping through my workouts and craving “junk”. This month I am dedicating to getting back on track health wise since my coursework is at bay and I am on top of grades. But what I love is that I’m not saying “I must go to the gym x times and eat y calories – I’m going to try to do it half intuitively but of course have a guideline so that I do stick to my “intention” somewhat! My outlook on “health” and “scheduling” has definitely changed thanks to posts like this.
I’m glad that you are re-finding happiness and realizing that not everything needs to remain organized and planned. Control is such a tricky and tough topic especially when you have perfectionistic tendencies.Thanks for this! As usual I admire your strength and courage to speak openly about what you might once have thought were “flaws” but in actuality make you unique and powerful. Cheese, Wine and Yoga sound divine. Glad there was no guilt! Happy Monday Beautiful!
LOVE this post, girlie…so honest and well-written! I can definitely relate to an extent. For a period, I got very obsessed with working out and eating a certain way. Any deviation would be a huge stressor and I’d avoid having to do so as much as I could. Looking back, all that planning was just a control mechanism. The more I planned to be healthy, the less healthier I was becoming. Like you, I decided to take a breather and just live: eat what I want and when…no more macro counting or striving to eat a perfect diet. As for workouts, I am much more relaxed in that I am flexible with what I do and when. Even though giving up control can be daunting, I promise you will be in a MUCH better place as a result :-)!
Davida – this is such a wonderful and heartfelt post and i loved reading every word! While scheduling and planning is an important aspect of my life, I only do that with certain things in order to keep me on track like workouts and family plans since that stuff always has to be scheduled. For everything else, I try and roll with the punches because you never know what life will throw at you.
I think this is a refreshing change that you need to explore!! you may go back to scheduling certain things but for the rest – for life and friends and things that make you happy – just go with it! know that as long as you eat healthy and keep moving (and it doesn’t have to be in a gym) but just doing things that make you happy – you’ll be healthy and fine.
i’ve also relaxed the chains when it comes to food these days. when i was in my ‘weight loss mode’, i never ate anything that i wasn’t sure about – no restaurant meals, no pasta, none of it. now that i’m good with where i am, i will eat that bowl of pasta (which i totally demolished over the weekend) or eat those 5 chocolate covered almonds because my PMS was so bad AND I WON’T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT EITHER. when you have a healthy approach to life, you will be happier!
hugs and seriously, WHEN ARE WE GOING TO GET TOGETHER. I NEED TO SEN YOU AN EMAIL ABOUT THIS THAT MIGHT SURPRISE YOU. #bbm2014 <-- this is a hint; those FitnessCreatures biatches know what i'm talking about :D -kathy
Vodka and Soda