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I think I’ve written and rewritten this post at least 10 times. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, and while the words are there, I’ve had trouble putting them together into a coherent post. I’m not sure I’ll be able to cover everything that I’d like to talk about, but it’s a start.
Friday night I got together with a close friend of mine. Zan and I have been friends since middle school. She is someone who I deeply admire and can always turn to for quality advice. We met up at a wine tasting event called Grand Cru where they were tasting over 200 wines. Thank you brother for being a wine agent/having the best job in the world and getting us in.
In the midst of our catching up I was snapping pictures of the wine, the food and the people (couldn’t find Goldie Hawn or Kiefer). I was smiling, I was laughing, I was eating and drinking what I wanted and I truly felt at ease. Unfortunately this version of me, the best version of me, hasn’t always been around.
I’ve always had an incessant, borderline compulsive need to plan. It’s a coping mechanism for me. When life gets crazy, as it inevitably does, I’ve turned to planning as a means of control. Planning meant consistency and predictability and I’d plan every second of my day to a T. The majority of my planning was focused on diet and exercise e.g. 5:00 AM runs, Sunday food preps, Tuesday yoga etc… While this helped me to get through some challenging times, it also left me incredibly stressed out. No matter how many people or how many times I was told to relax, I was not willing to listen. I would freak out if life deviated from “the plan”, even if that plan only existed in my head.
My stomach has always been the first to react when I’m feeling stressed out. Though I was eating a perfectly clean diet and exercising 6 days a week my stomach still continued to react badly to almost everything I ate. I tried eliminating every food under the sun, which ultimately stressed me out even more because I felt I needed to cook everything. I turned down social invitations. I refused alcohol. Meeting a friend for a wine tasting just wasn’t an option. I was following the plan. And I was unhappy.
It took me up until about few months ago to realize this was the source of my unhappiness. That I was leading a rigid and overly-planned life and I was missing out on all life’s beauty that happens in those unplanned moments. That all of these foods I’d eliminated and all of the exercise I was pushing myself through in an attempt to be “healthy” was stressing me out. And my body was trying every way to tell me this. I was preaching that healthy meant balance when deep down I knew my life was the furthest thing from balanced.
The reality is that I am young. So young. I basically have zero responsibilities and now is the time I should be having fun and letting the chips fall as they may. I can worry about planning once I have a family and other people’s lives to organize but for now I want to let go of the reigns. I want to workout when I want to and if I have the time, not because it’s scheduled. And I want to meal prep if I feel like cooking, not because it’s Sunday. I want to go out late and come home late. I want to make mistakes, and then I want to try to not make them again. I want to relax. I want to do all of these things, because I can. They say that “youth is wasted on the young”. I don’t want to look back in 20 years and wish I’d done things differently.
I got home Friday night after wine tasting with Zan and I truly felt comfortable with myself. I overdosed on cheese and drank too much wine and when I woke up Saturday morning surprisingly stomach ache-free and hangover-less I went to yoga, because I wanted to. It’s crazy how all the things that stress you out in life, the stomach aches, the injuries all seem to resolve when you just relax.
These past few months have been difficult and challenging, but for the first time in a long time I feel happy. My definition of healthy has changed and inevitably the blog will change. You won’t be hearing me blog about my weekly meal prep or workouts, my diet-du-jour or anything that starts with a p and ends in lan. What you can expect are some delicious and healthy recipes, the occasional indulgent one and perhaps a recap of nights I don’t actually remember. I’m trying this whole “fly by the seat of your pants” deal. I hope you’ll join me for the ride.
Have you ever found yourself overly planning your life?Â
I can be a planner to a fault sometimes… my BF will make fun of me for my color coded highlighter, overly detailed planner, with a seperate to-do list on the side. Part of this compulsion is the product of grad school, clients (and all the corresponding paperwork) for two different sites, coupled with classes, work and regular life requires a bit of finesse to organize and I’ve always been an overachiever.
That being said I do feel as though all this organization and responsibility takes it toll sometimes. I don’t go out very often because I always have to work on the weekends. I’d hate to be irresponsible with my job so I’m irresponsible with putting the fun in my life (though I don’t think an occasional shift running on fumes would hurt my reputation). I’m struggling now with the holidays on the way to keep my traditional plans with the BF, visit with friends from out of town… and still be able to stick to my work schedule. Having a large part of my life so out of my control (school) is nervewracking and I’m still struggling to try to live for myself when I feel like I have so much to do for others.
this post is SO great. it seriously defines what i am trying to do in life to a t. i am such an overplanner and am ultra type-a. i literally have to force myself to stop “future tripping” (a phrase i learned from the book ‘spirit junkie’) multiple times a day. i spend eons wondering what snack i should eat before the gym…but maybe i won’t even be hungry for one. on friday i worked myself into tears debating over whether i should or shouldn’t go out after dinner…and then after dinner i was so tired that i just wanted to go home. all that debate and stressing was for naught! it is great that you are working on not overplanning. it’s true we are young and while planning things is good to a point, this is the time in the life when we can probably afford to plan half as much as we currently do!
I admire your strength for writing this post. I can absolutley relate! My husband got me a magnet that says “Plan to be Spontanious…Tomorrow.” Planning is ok…in moderation. I haven’t figured out the moderation part yet, but it sounds like you’re well on your way to figuring things out for yourself. Kudos! Um, yea, you can’t get rid of me that easily. 😉 I’m looking forward to what you have in store for your blog. 🙂
Amazing post!! I have always been that same person! And felt almost as if I was writing that post myself! A year ago on the 17th, I gave birth to my handsome baby boy. From that moment on, I realized nothing, no matter how hard you try will go perfectly planned when you have a baby, let alone being a first time mom! It was really hard for me at first and at times it still is, but I wouldn’t change anything in the world, and he has only shown me how to slow down and enjoy the simple things in life!! I wrote a post about that and after reading yours it really put things together for me! So thank you!
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Sounds like you had an awesome night and a very well deserved one at that! I agree with you 1000%. I think just enjoying life and relaxing makes life so much more stress free than trying to control and plan everything. Reality is, plans never go as planned! SO let’s just not make any, just live life day by day!
xo
I love this post. You know how I feel about planning, and you know that I share your incessant desire to do so. I’m proud of you for breaking away from the plan, for branching out, for seeing what happens, and for deciding to just live life. It’s easy to be unhappy with where you are, but somewhere along the way, there comes the time when you realize that you may not be able to control ANYTHING in this life, but you can control how you react to it. And by deciding to react with grace, like you have chosen to do, I believe that happiness often follows. I’d read your blog if all you talked about was food prep, meal plans, and if all you cooked were desserts that were so healthy I’d never actually eat them (hehe) but I’m even more excited about the new direction that you’re taking! Love you!
Thank you so much for this beautiful post. I was like that last year and it felt terrible. It wore me out instead of making me happy :(( Even now, I do have a hard time doing stuff sunch as skipping workouts and eating out, but I’m working on it. It makes me incredibly happy to see that there are people like you who have succeded at it. Thanks for writing this kind of posts, dear!
Oh and I’m happy you had a great weekend 🙂
You could not have said this any better! I feel like I’ve been planning since I was in high school and it’s part of the reason college was probably a little tough. I didn’t know how to have fun and still struggle with not planning every single moment and worrying about food, fitness, etc.
I love when you said “leading a rigid and overly-planned life and I was missing out on all life’s beauty that happens in those unplanned moments.” It’s so true that things happen when you least expect it and for our type A personalities that like to plan and control, this can be hard to comprehend. I blog because it helps me see how other people relax and how I can learn from people like you 🙂 We all have our quirks and it’s fun to share.
Hope you had a great weekend!
Great post Davida! I agree, I really believe that planning too much can cause so much stress and also disappointment – because you’re anticipating how things “should” be and will go, yet a lot of the time it doesn’t work out as you’d expected/hoped. I think I’ve found a happy balance with planning & just letting things happen. Life is too short to have everything little thing scheduled out – where’s the fun in that?! Good luck with your new way of taking on life – I think you’ll continue to be much happier (I sure hope so!).
congrats girl, welcome to the joy club 🙂 I’ve been following you here and there for a while, but it was not until this post – THIS post!!! – that i actually felt inspired to comment and shout out, “yeahhhh, high five! amen sister!!!” i totally get what you said, and can TOTALLY relate. i gave up my Plan as well, which has been incredibly freeing, joyful, emotional, and frightening… but i feel like now i’m living life in HD, rather than black and white. i’m so happy you are sharing this journey and i support you and am cheering right there with you! and by the way, it is totally awesome and okay to crave a healthy salad AND a decadent dessert in the same day… you actually CAN have it all. life has so many delicious flavors!
xoxox