This page contains some affiliate links. Please review my disclosure policy.
A few weeks ago I found myself doing a much needed clean-out of my closet. Naturally, I came across pieces that I hadn’t worn in a very long time, which usually means that it’s time to throw them in the donation pile. But instead I found myself holding onto them, debating what I should do.
In that moment I realized something particularly profound. That giving away these clothes meant letting go of something that I no longer am, skinny.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not delusional. I am well aware that I am what society would consider “thin”. This is my natural build and one that I suspect some people torture themselves to have. The skinny that I am referring to is the frail, rail-like skinny that I used to be. The bone-popping, thigh-gap skinny that I wore proudly. The skinny that was hungry and overworked.
A long time ago I heard my idol Oprah Winfrey say something that ended up sticking with me for years. It was something along the lines of “never buy bigger jeans, keep working to fit into your old ones”. While I respect Oprah in many domains, weight-loss and body image isn’t one of them. If I knew then what I know now, I never would have listened. But of course hindsight is 20/20.
Nevertheless, I listened and I did everything in my power to fit into those jeans. In the process I discovered the secret to skinny. Spoiler alert: it’s not worth it.
This secret would end up taking over my life for more years than I wish to tell. Being skinny was my first priority. I masked my attempts in the face of “health” but inside I knew what I was doing. And here’s exactly what I did:
I ate a lot of salads.
I worked out every single day. On most days it was a mix of cardio and weights and on “rest days” I walked/ran on a steep incline on the treadmill.
Diet coke was my best friend.
Calories were meant to be counted.
If I was drinking, I either ate less or worked out more and these “drinks” usually consisted of shots…lots of shots.
I looked at my body in the mirror, a lot.
Binge days would happen that usually started with a hangover, followed by a jumbo-sized bag of PB m&ms with a side order of guilt.
And here’s how I felt:
Exhausted. My body was literally crying out for rest. By-products of this negligence still remain to this day i.e. chronic leg and back pain.
Hungry. Food was on my mind all.the.time
Guilty. I actually felt ashamed if I skipped a workout or binged.
Frustrated. I felt like no matter what I did I could never look how I wanted to look.
I had discovered the secret to skinny, but I lost all the joy in my life.
My habits today are far removed from that girl who ran endless miles and ate rabbit food for sustenance. They changed because I wanted them to. Because once I figured out the secret to skinny, I realized it wasn’t worth it. I valued living my life over planning it.
How I came to these conclusions is a post for another day and quite honestly is still an ongoing process. For the most part I now eat when and what I want and move my body when and how it wants to but not surprisingly some of my clothes no longer fit. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a moment where I thought of dear old Oprah’s saying and considered doing what I had to to get back in those jeans.
I knew I had what it took to look skinny in my skinny jeans. I’d done it once, I could do it again. But while I definitely looked skinny, it was the furthest thing from how I felt.
I may have paused for a second to think about my decision but ultimately I knew those clothes belonged in the donation pile. I wasn’t turning back. Instead, I made the choice to accept myself, exactly as I am. Someone who is smart, driven, successful and beautiful. Someone who loves to walk and hike and fuel my body with veggies and wine. Sometimes more wine than veggies, and sometimes those veggies are french fries. Most of the time they’re not.
Giving away those clothes was the final straw in letting go of all of the negative habits that had previously taken over my life. It meant choosing to live each day as my happiest self instead of my skinniest self. Discovering that these two concepts are not intertwined is the greatest gift I ever could have received.
I now know the secret to happy and trust me folks, it looks nothing like skinny.
No questions, just your thoughts.
WANT MORE HEALTHY LIVING TIPS? Join the THM Community!
Join 10,000+ members of the THM Community to get access to exclusive info about healthy living, products I'm loving and tips and tricks on making a healthy lifestyle easier and sustainable.
It is nice to read something so personal about you beside all the recipe posts. Thank you for sharing! You can be very proud of yourself to have overcome that skinny “lifestyle”. I hope many girls will read this and take you as an example. You are very inspiring! And you look great btw. Fit slim healthy beautiful 🙂
Much love from Germany!
Thank you Ann! I suddenly felt an urge to share and perhaps I’ve opened up pandora’s box and more of these posts will come! I have no idea if sharing my story will contribute at all to changing the dialogue in this community, but I certainly hope so. We shall see! p.s. Berlin is my favourite city I have ever visited. Germany holds a special place in my heart!
You are wise beyond your years, my friend. I struggle with the issues you discuss. Over the past 6 months, I’ve started doing more strength training in addition to cardio. My body is changing. Even though it’s stronger, it’s not skinny. A friend posted the other day that strong is the new skinny. So true. I’m generally petite. Just under 5’1″ currently about 110. Last year at this time, I was 97 lbs (not quite as skinny as it may sound), but didn’t have any muscle definition. I’m having a hard time finding the sweet spot for eating. I do still county calorie, but strive to once again to be the intuitive eater I used to be (ironic, eh?). Thanks for a wonderful post that will have a huge impact on your readers. Trust me. Stellar.
Great post, Davida, and a great reminder that “skinny” doesn’t necessarily equal happy!
Thanks Liz!
Great post! I used to be super skinny as a teenager and I had moments in my early 20’s that made me feel like I should be trying to hang on to that body. We naturally change as we get older and it’s not worth making myself miserable to fit into a certain size. Loved this!
It’s crazy how hard we can try to hold onto a body that we just aren’t supposed to have anymore. I’m thankful I no longer look like I’m 12 (seriously, those were awkward years!) so why should I continue to try looking like I’m 18. I’m 25 and it’s about damn time I look it! Thank you Kel!
I love this post and you by extension. Also at the end of the day, skinny does not equal healthy. In fact, many times it’s the opposite. I think you look wonderful and HAPPY and that’s what’s important.
I just want to flaunt that bikini with a drink in hand. So basically, you’re my idol. Arman spilled the means, I love you.
I hope he told you about the gravity bit too.
Oh to be young and perky again. 🙂
This is why I love you, Davs. You have it so together. You’re speaking both to me two years ago who didn’t think 97 pounds was skinny enough and me now who is beating herself up over being over 107 most days lately. It’s frustrating to hate your body because you end up hating yourself… Which I’m feeling today and the day has barely started. I needed this kick in the butt today to love myself, enjoy that glass of wine & be okay with not fitting into 00 shorts from two summers ago (jk, already threw those guys out). I would like to hold onto all current clothes though, jeans get expensive. LOVE YOU XOXO
correction, I ALMOST have it together 😉 Oh wow I’m so witty. On another note, I partially pains me to hear you not being content with yourself but I also totally get it, cause I’ve been there. I don’t believe that anyone can make you feel more beautiful by telling you so, nor do I think that standing in front of the mirror and telling yourself how beautiful you are will make you believe it either. I just kind of stopped thinking about it. Stopped thinking what other people thought about the way I looked and stopped putting any measure of my value on that number either. I just started kicking ass in other areas and simultaneously discovered I love myself exactly as I am. But that’s a post for another day! You know I love you and I’m confident you will start kicking ass and taking numbers (not counting them) too. GET READY WORLD!
Very well written and well said. Being skinny does not always mean that you will be happy, despite what the media portrays. You know I’m an advocate of (mostly ) eating what you want when you want and balance, so I love reading these kinds of posts–they make me smile 🙂 Great post Davs!
Thank you, love!
Love this!!!
Jen it was so nice to see your face pop up here! Thank you sooooo much! Now I’m off to check out your blog. Hopefully you’ll be at the YJ reunion cause I’d love to see ya! xo
I love Oprah. Always have and always will. However, her views on diet/weight loss/desire to be skinny applies to “most” of society. Not all of us. Not you and me. There is such a thing as too thin and not everyone out there will ever come close to experiencing it. But we have and we know the difference and what we need to do to be healthy and happy. I recall unloading the clothes from when I had amenorrhea years ago and the funniest part is, I am pretty sure those pants would fit just fine now, if a little big yet I eat more than ever, have a regular cycle and run 40 miles a week. I guess we all need to find that happy place for our mind and body, which can take years to discover.
I sort of wish I had found that happy place sooner, but what can you do?! I came out better on the other side thankfully! You keep fuelling those 40 miles of running a week with Red Mango and Linda’s Fudge Cake and you should be just fine 😉
Damn, a post where I can’t be rude, witty or downright random.
This is why your blog is appealing, YOU are appealing and you are an inspiration on many platforms. I think many know the ‘secret’ to being skinny- the success that comes from that is keeping it as that- a secret- one which hopefully remains as such and you embrace the secret to happy- which no longer is secret. BOOM.
I feel like I just read a riddle. I think I got it though! I think my brain has gotten bigger too 😉