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A few weeks ago I found myself doing a much needed clean-out of my closet. Naturally, I came across pieces that I hadn’t worn in a very long time, which usually means that it’s time to throw them in the donation pile. But instead I found myself holding onto them, debating what I should do.
In that moment I realized something particularly profound. That giving away these clothes meant letting go of something that I no longer am, skinny.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not delusional. I am well aware that I am what society would consider “thin”. This is my natural build and one that I suspect some people torture themselves to have. The skinny that I am referring to is the frail, rail-like skinny that I used to be. The bone-popping, thigh-gap skinny that I wore proudly. The skinny that was hungry and overworked.
A long time ago I heard my idol Oprah Winfrey say something that ended up sticking with me for years. It was something along the lines of “never buy bigger jeans, keep working to fit into your old ones”. While I respect Oprah in many domains, weight-loss and body image isn’t one of them. If I knew then what I know now, I never would have listened. But of course hindsight is 20/20.
Nevertheless, I listened and I did everything in my power to fit into those jeans. In the process I discovered the secret to skinny. Spoiler alert: it’s not worth it.
This secret would end up taking over my life for more years than I wish to tell. Being skinny was my first priority. I masked my attempts in the face of “health” but inside I knew what I was doing. And here’s exactly what I did:
I ate a lot of salads.
I worked out every single day. On most days it was a mix of cardio and weights and on “rest days” I walked/ran on a steep incline on the treadmill.
Diet coke was my best friend.
Calories were meant to be counted.
If I was drinking, I either ate less or worked out more and these “drinks” usually consisted of shots…lots of shots.
I looked at my body in the mirror, a lot.
Binge days would happen that usually started with a hangover, followed by a jumbo-sized bag of PB m&ms with a side order of guilt.
And here’s how I felt:
Exhausted. My body was literally crying out for rest. By-products of this negligence still remain to this day i.e. chronic leg and back pain.
Hungry. Food was on my mind all.the.time
Guilty. I actually felt ashamed if I skipped a workout or binged.
Frustrated. I felt like no matter what I did I could never look how I wanted to look.
I had discovered the secret to skinny, but I lost all the joy in my life.
My habits today are far removed from that girl who ran endless miles and ate rabbit food for sustenance. They changed because I wanted them to. Because once I figured out the secret to skinny, I realized it wasn’t worth it. I valued living my life over planning it.
How I came to these conclusions is a post for another day and quite honestly is still an ongoing process. For the most part I now eat when and what I want and move my body when and how it wants to but not surprisingly some of my clothes no longer fit. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a moment where I thought of dear old Oprah’s saying and considered doing what I had to to get back in those jeans.
I knew I had what it took to look skinny in my skinny jeans. I’d done it once, I could do it again. But while I definitely looked skinny, it was the furthest thing from how I felt.
I may have paused for a second to think about my decision but ultimately I knew those clothes belonged in the donation pile. I wasn’t turning back. Instead, I made the choice to accept myself, exactly as I am. Someone who is smart, driven, successful and beautiful. Someone who loves to walk and hike and fuel my body with veggies and wine. Sometimes more wine than veggies, and sometimes those veggies are french fries. Most of the time they’re not.
Giving away those clothes was the final straw in letting go of all of the negative habits that had previously taken over my life. It meant choosing to live each day as my happiest self instead of my skinniest self. Discovering that these two concepts are not intertwined is the greatest gift I ever could have received.
I now know the secret to happy and trust me folks, it looks nothing like skinny.
I was so skeptical of the title for this post when I saw it on feedly, but I felt that I had to read, and I am so glad I did! Beautifully written.
Thank you Katie!
great, great post!!
Thank you, lovely!
Oh man this post is beautiful and so well-written! You are definitely one of those bloggers that’s not only great at taking amazing foodie photos…you can write!!
I’ve never gone through something this extreme, but I am currently dealing with my body wanting to change and not fit into my jeans..it’s hard! Especially since I love those jeans! And it’s hard to go from being the skinniest girl (like you, just my natural build) to a more “normal” size. I thought I would naturally get rid of some of the weight after the long and brutal winter, but I’m finding out that I just need to be okay with it…and freaking buy some new jeans/shorts so I’m not living in gym clothes!
Thanks for writing this! <3 You may have inspired me to talk about my own story on the blog! 🙂
Aw thanks, love! Never considered myself much of a writer but I certainly appreciate the compliment 😉
Thanks for sharing a little of your story. It was a powerful message and like others have said, you will definitely speak to some of your followers. I cab attest to all you said as I was treated for anorexia over 7 years ago… like hospital stay for a few weeks. Now I’ve been healthy and continue to learn from my body for over 6 years. It’s a tough journey for women who suffer from poor body image and self worth, but I promise all of you out there to keep working toward your happiness and health. You can’t accomplish anything without health. Health is not how skinny you are or the number on the scale- it’s your body’s nourishment, how you feel, and the life you can enjoy because of it. Throw away your scale- that’s huge. I actually have never owned one and when I was recovering and living with my parents, my mom got rid of their scale as well. Once I became nourished and my brain and body were functioning properly, I was able to start to feel again and listen to my body. I continue to go by how I feel. Yes, I weigh myself here and there, but it’s a check in to make sure I know where my body is at and to see how my intuition and feeling of my body’s needs match up. Try and break your cycle and be a better you each and every day. Reward yourself for accomplishments. Take risks and embrace them. Enjoy life. Enjoy good food, too! That’s how we grow- with all of life’s trials and tribulations, support systems, faith, good food, and wine! I hope you all have a fabulous hump day and continue to strive for your OWN health, not anyone elses. Thanks again for sharing, Davida!
Hi Janna! Thank you for sharing your story with me. I hope people take the time to read the comments and can learn from your experience as well. Your message is extremely powerful. It was a long journey for me as I suspect it was for you to start loving yourself as you are rather than how you wish you could be. It takes time but I totally agree that it’s important to focus your mind and your attention on how you feel and start rewarding yourself for other accomplishments in your life. The day I stopped focusing so much attention on how I looked was the day I started living. I learned to value myself in other ways, for who I am and what I have to contribute rather than what size jeans I fit into. It was a complete 180 from my previous mentality but I can honestly say I’ve never tried to turn back. Sure I may have looked back, but never longingly, and never with any intention of living that way again. Each day I am less and less inclined to be there. Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I’ll toast my glass of wine tonight in your honour!
I recently found your blog and have never commented before. This post is exactly what I needed to hear (erm, read?). I have been very much in the same pattern you describe for a long, long time. With recent knee surgery (damn ACL!) I’ve been forced to slow down with working out and I have noticed that because of that I have become much more lax with my eating habits. Reading this is just the perspective I needed
Kristen! Thank you for taking the time to comment. I’m glad the post resonated with you. In fact much of my own journey to change was from injuring my leg and back from overdoing it with the running. While I would never wish the pain on anyone, I am grateful for the wake-up call because it honestly changed my life for the better. Hang in there, lady!
My love, I think you’ve discovered the secret to living with balance, being comfortable in your own skin, how to feel good all around, and live life without restrictions. To me, that is the secret to living a healthy life. I am so happy for you that you’ve embraced this. It’s a wonderful way to live! Xoxo
Goosebumps, lady. What a wonderfully written post. I ADORE you, seriously – and I am SO happy we will one day drink wine and eat M&M’s together without one single serving of guilt.
You look gorgeous!
and I adore you!!!! Can’t wait for the m&ms and wine! Hopefully somewhere along the water with the mountains behind is so I’m guessing I’ll be visiting you in Switzerland 😉
It’s funny you should write this post, because I was thinking similar things a few weeks ago when I was struggling to zip one of my favorite dresses from college. I know it’s because I gained weight (and mostly muscle) when I started running and working out. Those changes are good, but for a minute I thought, “Hmm, maybe I should take it easy because I don’t want to gain TOO much weight.” Which is absurd, because I pretty much AM skinny and would have to fight tooth and nail to be anything else. It just goes to show that we ALL have these thoughts, even when they are completely unwarranted! Great post!
Our brains play crazy tricks on us, eh? You are SO beautiful inside and out. I hope you never EVER doubt that!
This is wonderful Davida, and so very important. You are so right in how those obsessive thoughts control your mind, life, and soul when you are trying to reach a certain weight. i see so many of the bloggers nowadays, and when they put up their pictures, it makes me sad….they are either eating foods that are so lacking in any kind of calories that I have NO idea how they could enjoy them, or the selfies are so beyond a healthy weight that it makes me feel sick to my stomach that none is trying to help them. This is refreshing, and exactly what i was trying to show in my post today, be YOU! It is better to be strong and happy, than weak, brittle, and still miserable 🙂
Couldn’t agree more Tina! I feel that same sadness too and while I wish I could shake them and tell them to snap out of it, I know it is their journey to follow. I can only hope that sharing my own experiences can help inspire them to make a change of course. Thank you for your lovely comment, lady!
Love this! The truths in this post are so important for everyone to remember (skinny or overweight) because honestly weight doesn’t equal happiness and achieving a “goal” weight isn’t always the best solution. Thank you for sharing one of my favorite THM posts yet!
Aw thank you, lady! Means a lot. The day I stopped equating my happiness with my weight is the day I started living. I’ve never looked back!