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A few weeks ago I found myself doing a much needed clean-out of my closet. Naturally, I came across pieces that I hadn’t worn in a very long time, which usually means that it’s time to throw them in the donation pile. But instead I found myself holding onto them, debating what I should do.
In that moment I realized something particularly profound. That giving away these clothes meant letting go of something that I no longer am, skinny.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not delusional. I am well aware that I am what society would consider “thin”. This is my natural build and one that I suspect some people torture themselves to have. The skinny that I am referring to is the frail, rail-like skinny that I used to be. The bone-popping, thigh-gap skinny that I wore proudly. The skinny that was hungry and overworked.
A long time ago I heard my idol Oprah Winfrey say something that ended up sticking with me for years. It was something along the lines of “never buy bigger jeans, keep working to fit into your old ones”. While I respect Oprah in many domains, weight-loss and body image isn’t one of them. If I knew then what I know now, I never would have listened. But of course hindsight is 20/20.
Nevertheless, I listened and I did everything in my power to fit into those jeans. In the process I discovered the secret to skinny. Spoiler alert: it’s not worth it.
This secret would end up taking over my life for more years than I wish to tell. Being skinny was my first priority. I masked my attempts in the face of “health” but inside I knew what I was doing. And here’s exactly what I did:
I ate a lot of salads.
I worked out every single day. On most days it was a mix of cardio and weights and on “rest days” I walked/ran on a steep incline on the treadmill.
Diet coke was my best friend.
Calories were meant to be counted.
If I was drinking, I either ate less or worked out more and these “drinks” usually consisted of shots…lots of shots.
I looked at my body in the mirror, a lot.
Binge days would happen that usually started with a hangover, followed by a jumbo-sized bag of PB m&ms with a side order of guilt.
And here’s how I felt:
Exhausted. My body was literally crying out for rest. By-products of this negligence still remain to this day i.e. chronic leg and back pain.
Hungry. Food was on my mind all.the.time
Guilty. I actually felt ashamed if I skipped a workout or binged.
Frustrated. I felt like no matter what I did I could never look how I wanted to look.
I had discovered the secret to skinny, but I lost all the joy in my life.
My habits today are far removed from that girl who ran endless miles and ate rabbit food for sustenance. They changed because I wanted them to. Because once I figured out the secret to skinny, I realized it wasn’t worth it. I valued living my life over planning it.
How I came to these conclusions is a post for another day and quite honestly is still an ongoing process. For the most part I now eat when and what I want and move my body when and how it wants to but not surprisingly some of my clothes no longer fit. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a moment where I thought of dear old Oprah’s saying and considered doing what I had to to get back in those jeans.
I knew I had what it took to look skinny in my skinny jeans. I’d done it once, I could do it again. But while I definitely looked skinny, it was the furthest thing from how I felt.
I may have paused for a second to think about my decision but ultimately I knew those clothes belonged in the donation pile. I wasn’t turning back. Instead, I made the choice to accept myself, exactly as I am. Someone who is smart, driven, successful and beautiful. Someone who loves to walk and hike and fuel my body with veggies and wine. Sometimes more wine than veggies, and sometimes those veggies are french fries. Most of the time they’re not.
Giving away those clothes was the final straw in letting go of all of the negative habits that had previously taken over my life. It meant choosing to live each day as my happiest self instead of my skinniest self. Discovering that these two concepts are not intertwined is the greatest gift I ever could have received.
I now know the secret to happy and trust me folks, it looks nothing like skinny.
Fantastic, honest post. We need more of these. Skinny definitely doesn’t = happiness NOR health. And I agree with Tina, sometimes I see posts of what people ate or say they ate, instagram, facebook, blogs, etc., and I’m literally hungry for them. We are a very food driven society and on both extremes it seems. Thank you for a wonderful post.
Thank you Heather!I’m hoping I can contribute even a tiny sliver to changing the dialogue in this community! I want to see more posts about how people are LIVING their lives instead of how they’re planning them aka food prep and workout schedules and everything they ate. Let’s all just eat, play and be merry 🙂
Thank you times a million for sharing this. I’m currently going through that same struggle with my pre-wedding clothes that I bought that are just a little too tight these days. That said, I lived on the elliptical and loved my weights, but am just not willing to put in the number of hours per week in cardio anymore. Justifiably so! So while it was fun while it lasted, it’s more fun living my life, eating what I love, and not living in the gym. Happy Wednesday, friend.
I can’t even imagine the pressure you must feel pre-wedding! Or the guilt you can feel post-wedding! I prefer to live outside the gym thankyouverymuch 😉 I hope you can eventually learn to love who you are now, because I think you’re GORGEOUS!
I’m so glad you chose to share your story Davida ~ the emotion underlying it is so prevalent yet not spoken about nearly enough. When I first saw the title of this post I had a moment’s hesitation until I understood the context. I have a very difficult time with the term “skinny” and its ubiquitous use as a marketing tool (including its use by health care professionals who should know better!) — it’s a term that has nothing to do with health and even less to do with happiness. You describe this paradox beautifully. Just to add to your thoughtful piece, I think it’s really important for young woman to understand that their bodies will continue to evolve as they age, as will their hormones. I work with women all the time in their 30s, 40s and 50s, who desperately want to return to the weight they once were in their late teens or twenties which is no longer physiologically possible, nor desirable. While there are many things we can do to maintain and improve our general state of health, a certain acceptance (as tough as it may be) is a part of aging with grace, peace and happiness. I just sometimes wish we could all be kinder to ourselves and to others. xx.
Kelly! I suspect you were not the only one who was worried about the title. I too hate any associations with the word skinny. As if it is something to be valued! No thanks. I’m glad I was able to clear things up with the post. On another note, I cannot express to you how much your comment resonated with me. A huge part of learning to love myself NOW was an acceptance of where I am in my life. I’m no longer 18, don’t want to be 18 and certainly should not look 18, so why should I spend my time trying to fit into the jeans I wore when I WAS 18? Coming to that realization was huge for me. When I looked around I realized how much I love my life and I want my body to be a reflection of that. I want it to show that I can climb mountains, eat cupcakes, grow a business, be a good friend and love my family with all my heart 🙂 Thank you for your inspiring comment and for working with me to help change the game in this community. Much love!
I was smiling from ear to ear by the time I finished reading this post! It’s so sad how attached women in particular get to a certain size of clothing and and I’m so happy that you have escaped this societal trap. Congrats on the new mindset and thanks for sharing! 🙂
Thank you Casey! I’m so grateful those days are long gone.
I absolutely love how honest and raw you are in this post. Some people kill themselves over being a certain size or weight. It’s so important to keep it in perspective.
exactly! It’s easy to lose that perspective when you’re so determined to be something that in reality doesn’t exist! Coming to this realization was such a gift!
LOVE this post! So true and so well articulated. I love your approach to health and wellness, which comes through not just in this post but in every single post you write. Great work Davida!!!
beautiful post! this was so well-written… almost as if it was an essay. i was totally immersed.
Thanks Hill!
Thank you so much for writing this post and for putting what so many of us go through into words! I, too, recently went through my closet and took a few long pauses at some of the clothes I hadn’t worn since my overexercising/undereating/drinking way too much/consequently getting late night nachos days in college. A little part of me still longed to fit into these tiny shorts or skirts or tank tops, but the part of me who has grown and learned so much about being good to my body and fueling it properly said to toss those bad boys into the donation bag. It is such a freeing feeling to let go of the days of calorie counting and considering a Special K protein bar as an acceptable choice as both my breakfast and lunch (seriously what the eff was i thinking?) Thank you again for reminding me that there are others out there who can relate! : )
Replace those nachos with french fries and special k cereal for breakfast it sounds like we would have made great friends in college. I’m grateful those days are long gone now and have actually found I’m much better at embracing this “post-grad-young-adult-I’m-not-going-to-torture-my-body-to-look-like-a-VS-model” lifestyle. They say that life doesn’t get any better than your college days, but I’m gonna have to disagree with that one!
I couldn’t agree with you more, there are so many things I have discovered in the past 2ish years since undergrad that make adult life 50x better than college life. I have learned to appreciate a lot of life’s little joys, like sitting outside with friends and a great bottle of white wine or choosing to give my body a rest from the gym and going for a walk with my mom instead. I thank myself on the reg for giving up lean cuisines for dinner and processed diet “foods” because full fat peanut butter and a larger jeans size is so much better : )
(unrelated- just have to say I stumbled upon your blog a few months ago and always look forward to reading it! There are so many things you have written about that I can so easily relate to, and that is very comforting. Also as a fellow member of the tribe, it’s great to read a blog that will from time to time throw in some Jewish culture and lingo : ) L’chaim!)
Best comment ever. I always wonder if people pick up on my “tribe” jokes! Glad to hear at least a few of you get them 😉 I managed to convince my family to give up the low-cal peanut butter and I swear it was life-changing for them. It was like the day I discovered what a rest-day should actually be i.e. binge-watching an entire season of Orange Is The New Black in one day. Now that’s what I call l’chaiming 😉 <--I might get kicked out just for saying that LOL
You look fit, healthy, strong and joyful – those are the things that, to me, define beauty! I love this post. Thank you for your honesty, because posts like these are what counteract the BS “keep your skinny jeans to motivate you” messages, which can sometimes be unrealistic and other times unhealthy. I am in the same boat as you: I’ve been skinnier than I am now, but it was because I was sick, miserable, exhausted, and unable to enjoy my life. Now I am stronger, more fit, and more energetic than I have been in a long time, and, yeah, also weigh a few more pounds. I’m ok with that. I think that every time someone like you writes a post like this, it’s a gentle reminder to women to focus on being healthy, fueling their body, and enjoying their lives and the rest will follow. We don’t get nearly as many messages as we should like this one, so I’m sending you one hell of a high-five for sharing this!
And to think I used to actually like those Fitspo messages! They say that “nothing tastes as good as skinny” ummmm yeah I’d have to beg to differ. I’m hoping that the dialogue might shift in this community, but only time will tell! Thanks for your thoughtful message, my dear!
You have a nice ass.
yaaaa boiiii!
It’s a real ASS(et)
You complete me with your tatas.