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A few weeks ago I found myself doing a much needed clean-out of my closet. Naturally, I came across pieces that I hadn’t worn in a very long time, which usually means that it’s time to throw them in the donation pile. But instead I found myself holding onto them, debating what I should do.
In that moment I realized something particularly profound. That giving away these clothes meant letting go of something that I no longer am, skinny.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not delusional. I am well aware that I am what society would consider “thin”. This is my natural build and one that I suspect some people torture themselves to have. The skinny that I am referring to is the frail, rail-like skinny that I used to be. The bone-popping, thigh-gap skinny that I wore proudly. The skinny that was hungry and overworked.
A long time ago I heard my idol Oprah Winfrey say something that ended up sticking with me for years. It was something along the lines of “never buy bigger jeans, keep working to fit into your old ones”. While I respect Oprah in many domains, weight-loss and body image isn’t one of them. If I knew then what I know now, I never would have listened. But of course hindsight is 20/20.
Nevertheless, I listened and I did everything in my power to fit into those jeans. In the process I discovered the secret to skinny. Spoiler alert: it’s not worth it.
This secret would end up taking over my life for more years than I wish to tell. Being skinny was my first priority. I masked my attempts in the face of “health” but inside I knew what I was doing. And here’s exactly what I did:
I ate a lot of salads.
I worked out every single day. On most days it was a mix of cardio and weights and on “rest days” I walked/ran on a steep incline on the treadmill.
Diet coke was my best friend.
Calories were meant to be counted.
If I was drinking, I either ate less or worked out more and these “drinks” usually consisted of shots…lots of shots.
I looked at my body in the mirror, a lot.
Binge days would happen that usually started with a hangover, followed by a jumbo-sized bag of PB m&ms with a side order of guilt.
And here’s how I felt:
Exhausted. My body was literally crying out for rest. By-products of this negligence still remain to this day i.e. chronic leg and back pain.
Hungry. Food was on my mind all.the.time
Guilty. I actually felt ashamed if I skipped a workout or binged.
Frustrated. I felt like no matter what I did I could never look how I wanted to look.
I had discovered the secret to skinny, but I lost all the joy in my life.
My habits today are far removed from that girl who ran endless miles and ate rabbit food for sustenance. They changed because I wanted them to. Because once I figured out the secret to skinny, I realized it wasn’t worth it. I valued living my life over planning it.
How I came to these conclusions is a post for another day and quite honestly is still an ongoing process. For the most part I now eat when and what I want and move my body when and how it wants to but not surprisingly some of my clothes no longer fit. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a moment where I thought of dear old Oprah’s saying and considered doing what I had to to get back in those jeans.
I knew I had what it took to look skinny in my skinny jeans. I’d done it once, I could do it again. But while I definitely looked skinny, it was the furthest thing from how I felt.
I may have paused for a second to think about my decision but ultimately I knew those clothes belonged in the donation pile. I wasn’t turning back. Instead, I made the choice to accept myself, exactly as I am. Someone who is smart, driven, successful and beautiful. Someone who loves to walk and hike and fuel my body with veggies and wine. Sometimes more wine than veggies, and sometimes those veggies are french fries. Most of the time they’re not.
Giving away those clothes was the final straw in letting go of all of the negative habits that had previously taken over my life. It meant choosing to live each day as my happiest self instead of my skinniest self. Discovering that these two concepts are not intertwined is the greatest gift I ever could have received.
I now know the secret to happy and trust me folks, it looks nothing like skinny.
No questions, just your thoughts.
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Great post, friend! I am all about balance and I love that you found it here. You are an inspiration to many and I’m so glad you’re sharing your story here. I just have to stand up for salads… Salads are not inherently bad! They are delicious and healthy, as long as they’re loaded with lots of satiating goodies including fats and protein :). Of course, I get the point that eating JUST salads is no bueno!
Thank you, my dear! You know I love me a good salad. Then again, the salads I used to eat would not qualify as a salad for me nowadays. And for ALL the meals. Should have clarified, but I think you catch my drift 😉 Hope all is well xox
This. post. is. awesome. And so are you!
I can totally relate – I cleaned out my closet a few days ago and had to throw out way-too-small shorts too that I’d been holding onto for a bit too long (read: 3 years). I don’t even know why I was holding onto them because there’s no way I was ever planning on fitting into them again. Life these days is just way too awesome.
Let’s get together and stuff our faces with good food soon, deal?
When you’re back from England we’re having a very overdue date! I tried on a pair of shorts from a few years ago when I was cleaning out my closet and I actually felt hungry just trying to squeeze them on. Then I went and ate a brownie and was like damnnnnn I feel good.
I believe every woman, and probably plenty of men, can relate to everything you said here. I think we’ve all fallen victim at some point to believing that having a “perfect” skinny body will lead to a feeling of satisfaction and happiness – and it seems to be the secret that no one talks about that it’s the exact opposite! I did a lot of what you describe in college and while I was super thin there was always a feeling of emptiness because I wasn’t taking care of myself. I am so happy to have left (most of) that in the past.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment Michele! I could not agree more. Society misleads us by propagating images of happy, smiley, skinny girls. Learning that happy does not equal skinny was life-changing for me. I made a lot of mistakes but I can so whole-heartedly that I came out better on the other side. I’m so happy you did too 🙂
I admire your honesty! This speaks to me and hits hard. I am currently overcoming an eating disorder and looking negatively at my body. Although I can’t say those days are behind me, but I am learning to be gentle with myself, cherish what it is able to do for me and listen to when I need rest. Your words say it so well and love for you making my day turn around!
Hi Meg! Hang in there. It takes time. It took me a long time to accept who I am and let go of some unhealthy patterns I had developed. Definitely didn’t happen overnight. But when I assessed how I felt that day (not restricting or focusing so much on food and exercise) versus how I felt when I would, I realized how much happier I was. Choosing happiness over skinny each day eventually led me to intuitively choose happiness without even thinking about it. Now I just live how I live and damnnn it feels good 🙂 You’ll get there, and I’m always here to chat if you need an ear!
Happiness is FARRRRR MORE IMPORTANT THAN BEING RAIL THIN!!!!! GIRLLLL trust me… Although, you’re obviously WELL AWARE!!!!! 🙂 I am so proud of you for accepting all of this. Lets rejoice over some delicious coconut flour cookies – dude, holy moly, I just ate 11 cake balls! LMFAO!!!!!!!!! Ah ha ha ah ah aha ha! Clearly I love me some food over being the supermodel that’s idolized. PAH LEEZE! Plus, I am the ripe height of…. 5’3″ (ok, shhhhhh 5’2.5″)… So yeah, me strutting it down runways, ain’t gunna happen, so I am going to strut it to the kitchen!
OR back home TO JACKSON!!! You make me miss home dammit!
Thank you for being so open and honest.
I’ve had to buy a few new pairs of pants this year. Last year I lost nearly 20 pounds due to stress. Was I skinny? Oh heck yes. Was I happy? Not at all.
I definitely had some moments in getting rid of my “skinny clothes” where I thought about working crazy ridiculously hard to fit into them, but it’s not worth it. I’d rather weight a little more and have the energy to run and be happy.
A much better way to live.
That moment when you realize that it isn’t worth it, is life-changing. Could I do I? hell ya. Do I want to? Absolutely not.
This is amazing. You are amazing. Society seems to push the mentality “When I look like/do/am this…I will be happy” which couldn’t be further from the truth. Being happy is something you should find in the present, not look for in the future. I have done the donating way too tiny clothes thing about four times now, and you know what, it feels damn good. And if I have to buy some bigger jeans (or yoga pants, who am I kidding, I despise jeans) to fit my quads, so be it. I so agree about Oprah…inspirational in many areas…body image is simply not one of them.
“Being happy is something you should find in the present, not look for in the future”. Couldn’t have said it better myself.
This post made me smile…. Love it!! I totally appreciate your honesty.
I can’t express how relevant this post (and many of your other posts for that matter) are to me right now. I find myself struggling like you once did to stay “skinny” all int he name of “good health”. I’m at the point now where I know rationally in my mind that skinny does not equal happy and the torture I put myself through to stay ultra-skinny is not worth it, but I have yet to break my habits. This post was inspiring – thanks for sharing!
I remember that point so vividly. In fact I have a very clear memory from about 3 years ago when I had eaten some low-calorie cookie concoction which not surprisingly didn’t fill me up and all I wanted to do was eat all the food! I called my bf and told him that all I wanted was to be able to eat filling food and not care about what numerical value was associated with it. I’m not entirely sure when the shift happened but eventually I stopped caring about those numbers and started measuring my life in how I felt. And I knew I felt infinitely better without them. Stopped counting, stopped caring and never looked back! Thank you for your thoughtful comment Caitlin and I’m always here to chat if you need someone!
what a beautiful post! thank you so much for sharing. i think a lot of us have been there and when you finally get to the point that you realize that what you’re doing to look a certain way is just draining happiness from your life…that’s when the change happens.
Exactly! Once you stop equating what you look like with how you should feel is so freeing. It’s when I finally started LIVING my life!