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A few weeks ago I found myself doing a much needed clean-out of my closet. Naturally, I came across pieces that I hadn’t worn in a very long time, which usually means that it’s time to throw them in the donation pile. But instead I found myself holding onto them, debating what I should do.
In that moment I realized something particularly profound. That giving away these clothes meant letting go of something that I no longer am, skinny.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not delusional. I am well aware that I am what society would consider “thin”. This is my natural build and one that I suspect some people torture themselves to have. The skinny that I am referring to is the frail, rail-like skinny that I used to be. The bone-popping, thigh-gap skinny that I wore proudly. The skinny that was hungry and overworked.
A long time ago I heard my idol Oprah Winfrey say something that ended up sticking with me for years. It was something along the lines of “never buy bigger jeans, keep working to fit into your old ones”. While I respect Oprah in many domains, weight-loss and body image isn’t one of them. If I knew then what I know now, I never would have listened. But of course hindsight is 20/20.
Nevertheless, I listened and I did everything in my power to fit into those jeans. In the process I discovered the secret to skinny. Spoiler alert: it’s not worth it.
This secret would end up taking over my life for more years than I wish to tell. Being skinny was my first priority. I masked my attempts in the face of “health” but inside I knew what I was doing. And here’s exactly what I did:
I ate a lot of salads.
I worked out every single day. On most days it was a mix of cardio and weights and on “rest days” I walked/ran on a steep incline on the treadmill.
Diet coke was my best friend.
Calories were meant to be counted.
If I was drinking, I either ate less or worked out more and these “drinks” usually consisted of shots…lots of shots.
I looked at my body in the mirror, a lot.
Binge days would happen that usually started with a hangover, followed by a jumbo-sized bag of PB m&ms with a side order of guilt.
And here’s how I felt:
Exhausted. My body was literally crying out for rest. By-products of this negligence still remain to this day i.e. chronic leg and back pain.
Hungry. Food was on my mind all.the.time
Guilty. I actually felt ashamed if I skipped a workout or binged.
Frustrated. I felt like no matter what I did I could never look how I wanted to look.
I had discovered the secret to skinny, but I lost all the joy in my life.
My habits today are far removed from that girl who ran endless miles and ate rabbit food for sustenance. They changed because I wanted them to. Because once I figured out the secret to skinny, I realized it wasn’t worth it. I valued living my life over planning it.
How I came to these conclusions is a post for another day and quite honestly is still an ongoing process. For the most part I now eat when and what I want and move my body when and how it wants to but not surprisingly some of my clothes no longer fit. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a moment where I thought of dear old Oprah’s saying and considered doing what I had to to get back in those jeans.
I knew I had what it took to look skinny in my skinny jeans. I’d done it once, I could do it again. But while I definitely looked skinny, it was the furthest thing from how I felt.
I may have paused for a second to think about my decision but ultimately I knew those clothes belonged in the donation pile. I wasn’t turning back. Instead, I made the choice to accept myself, exactly as I am. Someone who is smart, driven, successful and beautiful. Someone who loves to walk and hike and fuel my body with veggies and wine. Sometimes more wine than veggies, and sometimes those veggies are french fries. Most of the time they’re not.
Giving away those clothes was the final straw in letting go of all of the negative habits that had previously taken over my life. It meant choosing to live each day as my happiest self instead of my skinniest self. Discovering that these two concepts are not intertwined is the greatest gift I ever could have received.
I now know the secret to happy and trust me folks, it looks nothing like skinny.
No questions, just your thoughts.
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Great post!! Skinny SO isn’t worth it – healthy is where it’s at! It’s a hard realization to make, but so worth it! Life is too short to just always strive to be something not very attainable. Love this! 🙂
So awesome. Both this post and YOU.
This was such a refreshing post to read. I still struggle with being 100% ok with my weight, but I also know that putting myself through intensive workouts and imposing unreasonable restrictions on my diet just isn’t how I want to live my life! So happy you have reached such an awesome state of mind lady!
It’s crazy that you post this because yesterday I was going to through my closet too and having some similar realizations. I like to clear my closet a few times a year, and still continue to hold onto things that don’t fit with the hopes that they will again someday. I’ve never been “too thin,” but two summers ago I was training for my first half marathon, working crazy busy hours, always on the go and one major thing…I was stressed a lot, going days without eating because I was too worked up and those are days I never want back. Everything is relative, and shit..getting rid of something means we can go buy something else right!? I love cupcakes wayyy too much anyway.
20 minutes later, you just inspired me to toss TEN more articles of clothing into a donations bag. BOOM.
yeahhhhh gurl! Now go celebrate with some cupcakes!
This post just made my morning. Your honesty is amazing. I never really thought how keeping your “skinny jeans” could be a negative trigger. Being happy is more important than any number on a scale. Rock it girl!
Thanks, lovely! Never felt better tossing those skinny jeans!
Well written. It took me a long time to give away my clothes. I held onto them thinking that I would one day fit into them again. When I gave them away, I decided that was a delusion because I too was never happy wearing a junior size 3-5.
Totally get that! I remember the first time I started shopping in the “non-juniors” section and I was like what the whaaaat? Then I realized I’m not 12 and thankfully don’t look like a 12 year old anymore!
Davida! This post nearly brought me to tears you don’t even know…okay well maybe not tears but it definitley hit home with me. I 100% understand how you feel and felt when you were “skinny” and how you feel now. Overcoming that constant need and secret obsession with being super fit, skinny and “healthy” is a battle I think most of us women struggle with. I honestly was the exact same way as all the things you listed except I would even work out on my hangover days…seriously crazy. I have since then found a balance and reading stories like yours is SO inspiring and makes me and I am sure so many other people out there feel less alone! It’s amazing how much more happier you become once you just let go, and truley find peace with youself and food. LOVED reading this and I always love reading up on your healthy journey 🙂
Aw hi love! Thank you so much for your amazing comment but I’m thankful I didn’t bring you to tears! Who knew that letting go could mean getting more from life?! It’s nice to hear I’m not alone in this and that people get it and might relate. As for hangover workouts, damn gurrrrrl! I could/still can barely get off the couch on one of those days. Luckily they happen less and less now 😉
I’m totally sharing this. I still sometimes struggle with stepping on the scale and being disappointed, but then I look at where I’ve come from, and how strong I am now, and healthier, and I’m then I’m ok with that. Our bodies change as we get older, and even though I can’t blame my “baby belly fat” on being pregnant and having kids, I’m still in the best shape of my life. Not the skinniest, but the strongest, tonest (if that isn’t a word, it is now! haha), and am SO much more mentally balanced than I have ever been. Now, I don’t feel guilty missing a workout unless it’s been a few days. And then, it’s not even so much the guilt as it is just not having those “happy endorphin’s” running through my veins. You nailed it on this one and EVERY woman and girl out there NEEDS desperately to come to this same realization!
I’m so happy you’re learning that your worth is not defined by a number! It’s a struggle to reach that point but the second I started to value my happiness over the way I looked is when I actually started to FEEL better. It’s funny that I always thought if I looked better I would feel better but in fact it was quite the opposite!
Honestly Davs, when I first saw that vacation pic of you I thought ‘daaaaaamn she healthy’!
I’m happy to say that I am getting to the state of mind where you currently are. After finally reaching a healthy weight, and fuelling my body properly I’ve never been happier 🙂
That actually warms my heart to hear. You are so deserving of living a happy and fulfilled life! And thank youuuu. I felt might fine in that pic after tackling a mountain. My itty bitty skinny self would never have been able to do that!
So inspirational. I am struggling so hard with this, I have a pile of clothes I no longer wear, including jeans, but refuse to buy bigger sizes. As such, I’m confined mostly to yoga pants. I’m also not what society would deem as “big”, but of course when you obsess over the mirror and all the photos of what you aren’t, you are bound to have a sense of unhappiness because you are always comparing yourself to others. Kudos to you for having the mind to know you are beautiful!
It’s scary how much our minds can play tricks on us! I look back now and realize I was completely delusional on how I looked in the mirror. One day I just got so fed up that I stopped looking and started focusing on how I feel. That’s when my life turned around! I thought taking up less space would make me happier, turns out it was quite the opposite!