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A few weeks ago I found myself doing a much needed clean-out of my closet. Naturally, I came across pieces that I hadn’t worn in a very long time, which usually means that it’s time to throw them in the donation pile. But instead I found myself holding onto them, debating what I should do.
In that moment I realized something particularly profound. That giving away these clothes meant letting go of something that I no longer am, skinny.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not delusional. I am well aware that I am what society would consider “thin”. This is my natural build and one that I suspect some people torture themselves to have. The skinny that I am referring to is the frail, rail-like skinny that I used to be. The bone-popping, thigh-gap skinny that I wore proudly. The skinny that was hungry and overworked.
A long time ago I heard my idol Oprah Winfrey say something that ended up sticking with me for years. It was something along the lines of “never buy bigger jeans, keep working to fit into your old ones”. While I respect Oprah in many domains, weight-loss and body image isn’t one of them. If I knew then what I know now, I never would have listened. But of course hindsight is 20/20.
Nevertheless, I listened and I did everything in my power to fit into those jeans. In the process I discovered the secret to skinny. Spoiler alert: it’s not worth it.
This secret would end up taking over my life for more years than I wish to tell. Being skinny was my first priority. I masked my attempts in the face of “health” but inside I knew what I was doing. And here’s exactly what I did:
I ate a lot of salads.
I worked out every single day. On most days it was a mix of cardio and weights and on “rest days” I walked/ran on a steep incline on the treadmill.
Diet coke was my best friend.
Calories were meant to be counted.
If I was drinking, I either ate less or worked out more and these “drinks” usually consisted of shots…lots of shots.
I looked at my body in the mirror, a lot.
Binge days would happen that usually started with a hangover, followed by a jumbo-sized bag of PB m&ms with a side order of guilt.
And here’s how I felt:
Exhausted. My body was literally crying out for rest. By-products of this negligence still remain to this day i.e. chronic leg and back pain.
Hungry. Food was on my mind all.the.time
Guilty. I actually felt ashamed if I skipped a workout or binged.
Frustrated. I felt like no matter what I did I could never look how I wanted to look.
I had discovered the secret to skinny, but I lost all the joy in my life.
My habits today are far removed from that girl who ran endless miles and ate rabbit food for sustenance. They changed because I wanted them to. Because once I figured out the secret to skinny, I realized it wasn’t worth it. I valued living my life over planning it.
How I came to these conclusions is a post for another day and quite honestly is still an ongoing process. For the most part I now eat when and what I want and move my body when and how it wants to but not surprisingly some of my clothes no longer fit. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a moment where I thought of dear old Oprah’s saying and considered doing what I had to to get back in those jeans.
I knew I had what it took to look skinny in my skinny jeans. I’d done it once, I could do it again. But while I definitely looked skinny, it was the furthest thing from how I felt.
I may have paused for a second to think about my decision but ultimately I knew those clothes belonged in the donation pile. I wasn’t turning back. Instead, I made the choice to accept myself, exactly as I am. Someone who is smart, driven, successful and beautiful. Someone who loves to walk and hike and fuel my body with veggies and wine. Sometimes more wine than veggies, and sometimes those veggies are french fries. Most of the time they’re not.
Giving away those clothes was the final straw in letting go of all of the negative habits that had previously taken over my life. It meant choosing to live each day as my happiest self instead of my skinniest self. Discovering that these two concepts are not intertwined is the greatest gift I ever could have received.
I now know the secret to happy and trust me folks, it looks nothing like skinny.
No questions, just your thoughts.
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I have zero desire to be skinny (good thing!!!) – I just want to be fit and healthy. I love that you have given up on those “skinny” thoughts – you are fabulous and beautiful!!!
Never heard people say what you said before. Kinda interesting. It seems to go along the lines of just accepting yourself.
It seems that media has given girls all the wrong ways to lose weight–ways that lead to guilt, hunger, anxiety, over exercise. That’s too bad. There are plenty of ways to lose weight and still be very happy while doing it. If people just stuck to intuitive eating–the world would be a much happier place!
This post is perfection! I recently did a closet purge for the same reason–I got rid of all my 00 jeans and XXS tops. These were reminders of my ED and reminders of a place I refuse to go again. For the first time in a long time, I am over skinny. I am focused on what my body can do–functionally, emotionally, intellectually. I will trade the 00 for peace of mind and heart and family any day!
Davida, I literally could have written this post myself.
You are an inspiration to so many and I am so unbelievably happy that you, that I and so many others have journeyed through those times and come out the other side just loving life. Let’s cheers our tasty glass of white to this, at the top of the mountain after an awesome hike up it, fuelled by whatever the hell our bodies felt called to eat. <3
P.s. you have inspired me to finally donate a pair of jeans that I have held on to for no other reason than a minute part of me thinks I might one day fit in them. Goodbye ridiculously small jeans for GOOD 🙂
I cannot applaud you enough for this post Davida! This is SO so true: trying to achieve the skinny = beautiful leaves you without any joy. No joy in food, no joy in going out … it is draining and unsustainable. Your honesty and genuineness is pretty amazing and what really sets you apart as a health blogger. Your profile photos aren’t of your abs (or your rib cage – so wrong and sad) you don’t constantly update us on your specific workouts, you don’t eliminate all fat and sugar and happiness 🙂 – you are real and relatable! Thank you for this post! Keep rocking the world!
You are amazing. This resonates so so much with me. JUST today I found a picture from two summers ago, when I tracked every morsel of food and worked out every day (resting was not part of my schedule). And I look small, yes, but I look weak and it didn’t fit “me”. And the weird thing is? I never saw that at that time. I was always working towards being smaller and more lean because that is what I thought I had to be to be attractive. And let me just saw I’m so much happier where I am now. It. Is. Awesome.
Wow thank you so so much for sharing this! SO proud of you! I am struggling right now and this helped me see a lot of things! You are a beautiful lady inside and out!
Thank you, my dear! As are you and I’ve seen you come such a long way. You should be so proud! xoxo
Davida this is just perfection: beautifully written and such a powerful and important message. I know you know me well enough to know how deeply this spoke to me. I like to think I’m still on this journey and working hard to get to the place where you are now. You are such an inspiration, and I wish I could go back in time and read this to my teenage self. I’m not sure I would have listened, but it would have saved years of guilt, and hate, and angst, if I had. I hope that this touches some people whose bodies are crying out for rest and for change.
This is such an inspiring post thank you so much for writing this! I have been trying to lose my “freshman 15” weight for 2 years and it isn’t shifting… I too own all of my clothes from when I was 10-15 kg lighter and am still holding on to the hope that I can one day fit in them – but with a healthy attitude.
Yes, I do know that how I ate then and how I eat now are two completely different worlds: I used to fear carbs and fat and would binge on them every so often, but still managed to plan my meals and would cancel dinner/breakfast if said binge happened. I didn’t care about nutritional content, I cared about eating as little as possible and still being able to survive.
Now I strive for a whole food/real food diet with emphasis on being natural. Sure I over indulge in nut butter and fruit, but I can lift weights heavier and run faster than ever… but I don’t have my portions under control, nor do I eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full – which is what really gets to me the most. I am so sure my body could let go of the extra weight (even if I am not meant to lose that much, but I know I could take 5 kgs easily) if I could get my weird portions and eating times under control, so that is what I am working on now… I still don’t know yet if I should give away my clothes though or not, as they fit me at a “healthy” weight and I somehow felt that I was then also in my “healthiest” mindset… (not over/under eating). So maybe that is my I am holding on to my jeans so tight?
I love that you admit considering keeping them for a second. It can be so tempting to want to be that rail-thin skinny again because every once in awhile I’m sure it felt great. But you’re right…at the end of the day it just isn’t worth it! Logically it doesn’t make sense, and it’s not sustainable. At my “skinniest”, sure I looked great in pictures, but after all the diet coke I drank I felt sick CONSTANTLY. Bloated and sick. So awesome, I had nice profile pictures on Facebook but my day-to-day life was a joke. Now I’m smarter, and I love reading this post because it feels so great to hear from other women who have made the same realization as I have. Thanks!