life Wellness

Things I’m Afraid to Tell You

January 24, 2017

I honestly don’t even know where to begin with this post. I feel like I’ve been writing it for weeks in my head, but as I sit here attempting to release it I feel so much resistance. I know it’s my ego. It wants to desperately protect me and keep the facade that everything is magical and perfect. But as most of us know, that kind of life doesn’t actually exist.

My friend texted me this the other week: “The Healthy Maven seems like she’s doing great, but how are YOU?”. Everything that has been happening is summed up perfectly in this one message. I try to keep THM a positive place. It’s not the dumping ground for my mess and while I’ve never claimed to be perfect, it’s not my goal to bring you down with me. But that doesn’t mean that behind the brand I don’t have bad days, or weeks or questioned if I’m legitimate enough to be inspiring anyone, let alone half a million of you.

But in the process of trying to not let my mess seep into my business, a wall was built. A wall that I’m tired and quite frankly, not very good at keeping upright. So I’ve decided to let it out and let you in.

I also want to say that things have not been all bad. Nothing in life is ever that black and white. It’s just that I’ve spent the last few months highlighting the good and while I’m certainly an advocate for focusing on the positive, I think it’s a disservice to all of you to let anyone feel as though life should look like unicorns and rainbows for it to be normal. Especially when it comes to health. We all have seasons in our lives full of great moments and even greater obstacles.

I hope this post can help tear down this wall I’ve built between us, but also inspire you to be honest with yourself and your community. There is no shame in imperfection.

things-im-afraid-to-tell-you

THE MOVE.

Perhaps the biggest news and subsequently the thing I’ve most struggled with not telling you is that WE MOVED. My close friends and family have known what’s been going on, but I intentionally kept this news off the blog. We left Toronto for a lot of reasons and I’m so grateful for the time we were able to spend in Minnesota with C’s family in the Fall. C and I had talked about moving to California since we started dating 5 years ago so after packing up all of our stuff to spend some time in Minnesota, we figured “Hey! Let’s try out this whole California thing!”.

So for those of you who have asked and who I’ve intentionally dodged your questions, or who have been wondering what the heck is going on:

We moved to San Francisco.

It’s still kind of surreal to type that and it definitely has not sunk in yet, but it’s starting to.

One of the biggest reasons why I didn’t share this news was because we wound up facing a lot of challenges in our move. On the practical side, we ran into some issues with being Canadians who had no credit in the US (we’re both US citizens too, we just hadn’t established credit) and after totalling our car, our plan to be outside of the city was kind of shot. We basically had to take the whole life we had imagined for ourselves out here and flip it on its head.

I was surprised by how emotional the whole experience made me. This certainly wasn’t my first move, but I think I was so focused on 7 steps ahead that I forgot or failed to prepare myself for the obstacles that you inevitably run into when you move. I also never let myself get emotional about what we were leaving behind in Toronto. We had a really great life there (and still do!) and it was only when the going got tough out here that all of this became abundantly clear. And while I know now that we made the right decision, it was hard not to dwell on what we had lost. I was and am still missing my family, my bestie, our close friends, and Rhett (!!!), but I’m also realizing that I can miss them and also build a really great life out here.

They say to “go where you’ll grow” and I’ve never doubted for a second that this whole experience has been one of the most growth-inducing of my life. I’m better for it, even if it involved a lot of tears and frustrations. I’m happy to say we’ve weathered the eye of the storm (or so I think) and I’m now feeling a lot more optimistic and excited about our decision.

Stay tuned for an apartment tour and lots more adventures in the Bay Area. Also if you’re from the Bay and want to connect, I would love that! I’m shamelessly looking for friends lol

THE CRASH.

As I’m sure you’ve all heard by now, on our road trip out to San Francisco, we hit a deer and totalled our car. I’m probably annoying all of you by still talking about it, but honestly, I haven’t been okay. In the immediate aftermath it hadn’t really sunk in what had happened and I was laser focused on getting back on the road and finishing the trip rather than dealing with the emotional impact of it all.

As I think back on the experience and see pictures of the car, I realize how incredibly fortunate we were to have all come out of it unscathed. Had C swerved or had the deer been in a different position, it might have ended very differently. Of course, there is no value in playing the “what if” game other than to be a motivator to really appreciate and value what you have, but it still scares the living wits out of me.

One unfortunate side-effect of all of this is that I start to panic a little bit when I hear loud, sudden noises (I was freaking out with all of the fireworks in Guatemala), and driving, which was already my greatest fear has become a nightmare. I know it will get better with time, but I thought you should know where I’m at.

THE REDESIGN.

Since we’ve all hopped on board this honesty train, I have to admit that I strongly dislike the layout and design of the blog. So much so that I’ve pretty much stopped looking at the blog or previewing new posts. It makes me sad to say this, but I just don’t feel like the design really reflects what the blog is about anymore. About 6 months ago I launched a redesign process and hired who I believed to be “the dream team”. I blame no one but myself but the whole situation unfolded in a direction I had a gut feeling was the wrong one and in the end it resulted in a site that I’m neither proud of nor do I think is any better a reflection of THM than the current design.

It was hard, frustrating and just generally really sad to see a lot of resources (mainly $$$) and time wasted on this process, but I’m trying (emphasis on trying!) to get past this. It unfortunately means that the dream site I’ve been hoping for will have to take a back seat while I regroup but will hopefully become a reality in the future.

I’d like to believe THM is sort of like a hole-in-the-wall restaurant, where the exterior doesn’t show-off how good the food is inside. At the end of the day, I want to do good and meaning-full work so the frills can wait!

Of all 700+ posts I’ve written on the blog, this one has to be the most cathartic. I’ve always found writing to be one of the best forms of therapy and it’s only amplified when your truth is released to a group of amazing readers that have supported you through it all.

There are a lot of great things coming. Things I’m unbelievably excited for (next season of the podcast woot!). But there will be challenges too. I’m doing my best to not run away from these challenges or hide them from you. In so many ways, you guys are my community and no one should ever have to weather a storm alone.

Thank you for always being so supportive and joining along as I share each season of my life. Both the good, and the bad.

Lots of love.

-D

things-I'm-afraid-to-tell-you-2photo by Bettina Bogar

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  • Reply
    Jess
    January 24, 2017 at 10:35 am

    It’s incredibly brave of you to be so honest and transparent! Congrats on the move! While scary, it must be so exciting to create a new life! A few years ago my boyfriend and I packed up our two little cars to the brim and moved from NY to Dallas, where we didn’t know a soul. While it wasn’t all rainbows and sunshine at first, it was such an amazing adventure recreating our lives together- in the beginning, we had no one else to lean on, but each other so it’s a great way to grow together. We both quickly made friends that will be in our lives forever and I have no doubt it will be the same for you! Being away from family is never easy, but they are just a plane ride away and will always be there no matter what. It’s important to do what makes you happy and live the life you’ve always wanted! It sounds like Cali has been a dream for a while! I hope you have the best adventure in your new city and I can’t wait to see what you do with THM in the future! Best of luck 🙂

    • Reply
      Davida @ The Healthy Maven
      January 26, 2017 at 2:29 pm

      Thank you so much for sharing your story. That is SO encouraging to us as we kick off this new adventure. Looking forward to being able to look around and feel that same level of contentment and network you’ve found in Dallas! xoxo

  • Reply
    Chrissa - Physical Kitchness
    January 24, 2017 at 10:30 am

    Love your honesty as always. But am I disappointed – you said moving to California and here I am, aaaaaall excited. Wrong “san”. San Diego girl! Come to San Diego! Selfishly I would really love to be your neighbor. SF is cold. Come here. It’s only one additional move 😉

  • Reply
    Ashley | Fit Mitten Kitchen
    January 24, 2017 at 10:25 am

    Glad to hear you’re doing alright! It will definitely get better. A big move is SO hard. Brings back memories of us leaving PA last year… I think about it casually and still get a little sad sometimes, and anxious for the future as well. But I also then realize it was safe there. Safe and steady. And now that we’ve moved it is just different and a little unknown. Especially with running a blog as as a business–as you know and understand. I’m trying to recognize certain feelings I’ve been having lately (i.e. scared/anxious of xyz) and know that just because you’re scared of something doesn’t mean you give up <3

    We're all here for you!

    • Reply
      Davida @ The Healthy Maven
      January 26, 2017 at 2:03 pm

      exactly! I’ve been filled with so much terror and uncertainty lately and I won’t pretend I haven’t had thoughts of “I think we should go back to Toronto” or “maybe I should put the blog on hiatus”, but I’m feeling so so grateful I didn’t. If you aren’t scared, it probably is boring anyway 😉 Thanks for the love, babes! xoxo

  • Reply
    Suzanne Poldon
    January 24, 2017 at 10:12 am

    Great post! Glad you and Curt made it to Cali 🙂 All the best, and hit me up when you’re in Ontario (Ill do them same when Im in Cali)!!

    Xo, Su

    • Reply
      Davida @ The Healthy Maven
      January 26, 2017 at 12:54 pm

      100%. I’ll let you know when I’m back and as always, you are forever welcome here in SF!

  • Reply
    Emily
    January 24, 2017 at 10:08 am

    Moving can be so hard and draining without ever realizing it. I’ve moved A LOT and like you, I focus on the steps to get there, and then the emotions of what I left behind hit me hard way later. I’m sure you’ll find your groove in San Fran soon and it’ll all start to make sense and er better.

    So sorry you’re feeling so shaken about your car! I’m sure I would be the same way. Keep allowing yourself to process it and in time the fear will pass.

    Oh, and hell yes your blog is like a hole-in-the-wall restaurant. Remember that people come for your amazing honesty and content, not for this kit looks! Yes, design can make you and visitors happier, but what really matters is what you have to say.

    Big hugs to you Davida!

    • Reply
      Davida @ The Healthy Maven
      January 26, 2017 at 2:00 pm

      Thank you SO much. Sending you big hugs and love in return. Time heals all and I’m looking forward to a few months from now when I’m feeling a bit more settled and hopefully have the motivation the build out the new blog design 🙂

  • Reply
    Robin | CaliGirl Cooking
    January 24, 2017 at 10:03 am

    Davida – Thank you so much for sharing all of this! I know how much of a struggle it is to let your wall down and give your readers your “non-curated” life. So kudos! I live in Santa Barbara at the moment but my husband is waiting on a job transfer up to Napa and we are up in the Bay Area a ton (we are both from there)…Let me know if you ever need any recommendations and would love to meet up with you someday if the stars align!

    • Reply
      Davida @ The Healthy Maven
      January 26, 2017 at 1:59 pm

      That would be amazing! Definitely keep me posted and I’d love to come out and hang in Napa. Wine country is my faveeee! Thanks for the support, lovely!

  • Reply
    Jen @ pretty little grub
    January 24, 2017 at 9:15 am

    I love your honesty in this post. It’s these moments that we can really connect with who you are.
    I’m so sorry about the car crash and it’s totally okay that it’s taking a while to deal with that, never apologize for that. Take the time that you need to come to terms with it.
    Congratulations on the move, your world is definitely upside down but I think you will definitely grow a lot and learn a lot along the way. Would love if you continued to update how you felt as you move forward.

    • Reply
      Davida @ The Healthy Maven
      January 26, 2017 at 1:49 pm

      Absolutely! I’ve learned a ton from this experience that I’m excited to share as the time feels right. Thank you so much for your support and encouraging words! xoxo

  • Reply
    Lee
    January 24, 2017 at 8:47 am

    WELCOME BACK VIDS.

  • Reply
    Meredith
    January 24, 2017 at 8:29 am

    Thank you for sharing – and congratulations on your exciting move! Toronto girl here – and I’m visiting San Francisco & Sonoma for the first time in April. I’m reaaaallllly looking forward to posts which give a peek into the adventures in your new city! I’ll take notes for my upcoming trip 🙂

    • Reply
      Davida @ The Healthy Maven
      January 26, 2017 at 1:48 pm

      Absolutely! I adore Sonoma and of course SF is my new stomping grounds so expect lots of recommendations as I continue to explore. Thanks for the support, Meredith!

  • Reply
    Karlie
    January 24, 2017 at 7:29 am

    You’re amazing <3 thanks for the vulnerability + realness – just remember you're exactly where you are supposed to be! xo

  • Reply
    Liz
    January 24, 2017 at 6:54 am

    Congratulations on your move! Based on your posts recently, I had a pretty good hunch that was what was going on and figured you’d share when you were ready. =) Very exciting. I’ve only visited the Bay Area once but my experience was very positive. Favorite part was going to Tambo Peruvian restaurant and enjoying about five kinds of ceviche and trying some new meats (beef heart, anyone?) for the first time. The owner served us and made the whole experience absolutely delightful (and beyond delicious).

    I’m about to make my first big move since college and while no where near the magnitude of yours, I’ve definitely been hesitant to share about it! I finally gave in and told my parents last week! I was being such a chicken about telling them. Now the only place I haven’t shared it is my blog, and I’m still not sure when I want to share it on there, y’know?

    I hope your new home is everything you want it to be and that you find a friend group that makes you happy and helps you be the best version of yourself – having folks like that makes the world such a better place, IMOH. =) I also hope your crash PTSD will fade sooner than later into the rearview mirror, though I know from experience that kind of thing takes time.

    Cheers to you and C and Bodhi

    • Reply
      Davida @ The Healthy Maven
      January 26, 2017 at 12:57 pm

      Thank you so much, Liz! Wishing you all the best in your next adventure and if I’ve learned anything from this experience, it’s to be okay in feeling all the feels and know that all things will pass, especially the hard stuff. Will definitely keep an eye out for that restaurant! xoxo

  • Reply
    Brie @ Lean, Clean, & Brie
    January 24, 2017 at 6:15 am

    Love your honesty in this post Davida. I was guessing that you moved to Cali and that this was the surprise you have been hinting at — congratulations! that is exciting and I cannot wait to see all of your adventures in San Francisco!!

    • Reply
      Davida @ The Healthy Maven
      January 26, 2017 at 12:55 pm

      Thank you so much, lovely! As the dust has begun to settle I’m feeling incredibly fortunate for this new adventure. Thank you for following along and being such an awesome support!

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