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I honestly don’t even know where to begin with this post. I feel like I’ve been writing it for weeks in my head, but as I sit here attempting to release it I feel so much resistance. I know it’s my ego. It wants to desperately protect me and keep the facade that everything is magical and perfect. But as most of us know, that kind of life doesn’t actually exist.
My friend texted me this the other week: “The Healthy Maven seems like she’s doing great, but how are YOU?”. Everything that has been happening is summed up perfectly in this one message. I try to keep THM a positive place. It’s not the dumping ground for my mess and while I’ve never claimed to be perfect, it’s not my goal to bring you down with me. But that doesn’t mean that behind the brand I don’t have bad days, or weeks or questioned if I’m legitimate enough to be inspiring anyone, let alone half a million of you.
But in the process of trying to not let my mess seep into my business, a wall was built. A wall that I’m tired and quite frankly, not very good at keeping upright. So I’ve decided to let it out and let you in.
I also want to say that things have not been all bad. Nothing in life is ever that black and white. It’s just that I’ve spent the last few months highlighting the good and while I’m certainly an advocate for focusing on the positive, I think it’s a disservice to all of you to let anyone feel as though life should look like unicorns and rainbows for it to be normal. Especially when it comes to health. We all have seasons in our lives full of great moments and even greater obstacles.
I hope this post can help tear down this wall I’ve built between us, but also inspire you to be honest with yourself and your community. There is no shame in imperfection.
THE MOVE.
Perhaps the biggest news and subsequently the thing I’ve most struggled with not telling you is that WE MOVED. My close friends and family have known what’s been going on, but I intentionally kept this news off the blog. We left Toronto for a lot of reasons and I’m so grateful for the time we were able to spend in Minnesota with C’s family in the Fall. C and I had talked about moving to California since we started dating 5 years ago so after packing up all of our stuff to spend some time in Minnesota, we figured “Hey! Let’s try out this whole California thing!”.
So for those of you who have asked and who I’ve intentionally dodged your questions, or who have been wondering what the heck is going on:
We moved to San Francisco.
It’s still kind of surreal to type that and it definitely has not sunk in yet, but it’s starting to.
One of the biggest reasons why I didn’t share this news was because we wound up facing a lot of challenges in our move. On the practical side, we ran into some issues with being Canadians who had no credit in the US (we’re both US citizens too, we just hadn’t established credit) and after totalling our car, our plan to be outside of the city was kind of shot. We basically had to take the whole life we had imagined for ourselves out here and flip it on its head.
I was surprised by how emotional the whole experience made me. This certainly wasn’t my first move, but I think I was so focused on 7 steps ahead that I forgot or failed to prepare myself for the obstacles that you inevitably run into when you move. I also never let myself get emotional about what we were leaving behind in Toronto. We had a really great life there (and still do!) and it was only when the going got tough out here that all of this became abundantly clear. And while I know now that we made the right decision, it was hard not to dwell on what we had lost. I was and am still missing my family, my bestie, our close friends, and Rhett (!!!), but I’m also realizing that I can miss them and also build a really great life out here.
They say to “go where you’ll grow” and I’ve never doubted for a second that this whole experience has been one of the most growth-inducing of my life. I’m better for it, even if it involved a lot of tears and frustrations. I’m happy to say we’ve weathered the eye of the storm (or so I think) and I’m now feeling a lot more optimistic and excited about our decision.
Stay tuned for an apartment tour and lots more adventures in the Bay Area. Also if you’re from the Bay and want to connect, I would love that! I’m shamelessly looking for friends lol
THE CRASH.
As I’m sure you’ve all heard by now, on our road trip out to San Francisco, we hit a deer and totalled our car. I’m probably annoying all of you by still talking about it, but honestly, I haven’t been okay. In the immediate aftermath it hadn’t really sunk in what had happened and I was laser focused on getting back on the road and finishing the trip rather than dealing with the emotional impact of it all.
As I think back on the experience and see pictures of the car, I realize how incredibly fortunate we were to have all come out of it unscathed. Had C swerved or had the deer been in a different position, it might have ended very differently. Of course, there is no value in playing the “what if” game other than to be a motivator to really appreciate and value what you have, but it still scares the living wits out of me.
One unfortunate side-effect of all of this is that I start to panic a little bit when I hear loud, sudden noises (I was freaking out with all of the fireworks in Guatemala), and driving, which was already my greatest fear has become a nightmare. I know it will get better with time, but I thought you should know where I’m at.
THE REDESIGN.
Since we’ve all hopped on board this honesty train, I have to admit that I strongly dislike the layout and design of the blog. So much so that I’ve pretty much stopped looking at the blog or previewing new posts. It makes me sad to say this, but I just don’t feel like the design really reflects what the blog is about anymore. About 6 months ago I launched a redesign process and hired who I believed to be “the dream team”. I blame no one but myself but the whole situation unfolded in a direction I had a gut feeling was the wrong one and in the end it resulted in a site that I’m neither proud of nor do I think is any better a reflection of THM than the current design.
It was hard, frustrating and just generally really sad to see a lot of resources (mainly $$$) and time wasted on this process, but I’m trying (emphasis on trying!) to get past this. It unfortunately means that the dream site I’ve been hoping for will have to take a back seat while I regroup but will hopefully become a reality in the future.
I’d like to believe THM is sort of like a hole-in-the-wall restaurant, where the exterior doesn’t show-off how good the food is inside. At the end of the day, I want to do good and meaning-full work so the frills can wait!
Of all 700+ posts I’ve written on the blog, this one has to be the most cathartic. I’ve always found writing to be one of the best forms of therapy and it’s only amplified when your truth is released to a group of amazing readers that have supported you through it all.
There are a lot of great things coming. Things I’m unbelievably excited for (next season of the podcast woot!). But there will be challenges too. I’m doing my best to not run away from these challenges or hide them from you. In so many ways, you guys are my community and no one should ever have to weather a storm alone.
Thank you for always being so supportive and joining along as I share each season of my life. Both the good, and the bad.
Lots of love.
-D
photo by Bettina Bogar
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I have always admired your honesty Davida, and this post definitely supports that incredibly honesty. Congratulations on your move! I know it probably wasn’t easy to leave Toronto, but I know that you and C will start your new and exciting life on a high note! 🙂 I think it’s amazing that you took the leap in the first place. As for the blog, I know YOU might not be happy with what it has become, but I know I will always be here to read and support you in whatever way I can. <3 Your blog has gotten me through some really tough times in my eating disorder, and I'm not sure if I've ever told you that. If you ever end up on the East coast, I would absolutely love to meet you and have coffee and talk about everything! I guess C and Bodhi can come too. 😉
Thank you so incredibly much, Marina. Your comment deeply touched me and know that I always want to be a source of inspiration and support to you, as you’ve been for me. We’re all on this journey of life together and I’m grateful for this community that makes it all feel a little less alone. Lots of love! xoxo
I figured I better respond to this on every platform possible!! So excited for your move and all of the fun times in the city you have ahead!! As scary as it is between that, the crash and redesign, 2017 WILL be a better year!! Mostly because we will finally meet in person. 🙂 I know sharing this stuff isn’t easy but we all are here for you and hope things start to turn around!! You ARE a queen girl!!! 🙂
Forgot to tell you that Curt called me “MAMA QUEEN” haha. Also I’m booked for Expo West. YOU BETTER HANG OUT WITH ME! K thanks.
I admire your honesty and also your gut for moving! I’m following your stories since I discovered you at FBC2015. I admire your work and how you manage the growth of your business and I’m sure you will learn so much from what you experience before and after your move. Thank you for your amazing work and if you ever come by Québec city it will be my pleaser to meet you.
Thank you so much, Alexandra! So grateful for your support through these past couple of years. I’ll certainly let you know if I’m ever in QC!
I think we can agree how much we appreciate you sharing your heart with us <3 In time, as hard as that statement is to hear sometimes, you'll find normalcy and balance in your life again. You are filled with so much strength and determination, I know you'll be able to look back on the lessons all of this brought into your life. I'll be here rooting for you!
Thank you babes! Excited to finally have all of this out there and start getting settled in our new life here in SF 🙂
Thank you for always being so open with your readers. That’s something I really want to work on for myself. I’m so excited for you as you make this transition and I know you’ll take any bad situation and turn it into something amazing. Can’t wait to continue following along! 🙂
Thank you so so much, lovely!
Welcome to the Bay Area! I’ve been reading/bookmarking/scrolling through your site since November when I wanted to commit to a healthier lifestyle and out of all the healthy food blogs, I always know the recipes I make from yours are gonna be delicious (and gonna make my roommates mouths water). When I first started reading your post I thought it was gonna end with: “and I’m gonna stop THM” and I almost cried. Glad you’re refocusing and rebalancing. I was just laid off from a job and that time off was an opportunity for me to take a breather (and start spending my days cooking ;). It also sucks to not be proud of something you’ve put time and effort into but it also means you’re always pushing yourself to be better and never settling. Don’t let that discourage you! Looking forward to some SF inspired recipes!!
Thank you SO much Amanda! And nope, THM will remain through it all! In many ways this blog and the community that read it have been a source of strength when life feels incredibly uncertain. I’m glad you could pull from some of this strength has you navigate some challenging times in your life. Stay tuned for more recipes and honesty dumps as we get settled in our new home 🙂
Hi Davida-
Congratulations on the move and I’m really sorry to hear about the failure of the redesign and the car crash. I can’t help, however, but feel like you duped your readers a bit. You (rightly so) don’t have to share your move on you blog until it was finalized or just until you felt ready- totally legit. But, by talking for so many posts about a “big announcement” you have coming means so many readers are going to poke and prod to try to figure out what is going on– leading to the exact opposite outcome. Honestly, this seems pretty intentional and I’m sorry to say this but this post feels much more like click-bait than vulnerability. Also, moving to CA and especially San Francisco (one of the most expensive cities in the world) is a luxury that not many of us can afford. I’m shocked you haven’t acknowledged this privilege.
Up really love this blog and your honesty in the past, but feel very turned off by this post. Hopefully you’ll accept my honesty, as I would be surprised if you didn’t have any other readers feeling similar to myself.
Hi Diana,
Thank you for your honesty. The reality of sharing your life on the internet is that you cannot expect that everyone will agree with you or understand your true intentions. What’s most important, is that I know this was written with integrity and authenticity and what you may see as “click-bait” was in fact, incredibly challenging to write and share. I’m learning that you can feel many emotions at once. Excitement about a new experience and sharing it with my readers, and true terror and sadness about the uncertainty of the future and what we’ve left behind. At the end of the day, it’s your prerogative to believe what you read, but know I have and will never try to dupe or lie to my readers.
As for the privilege of living in San Francisco, this is something that I don’t feel I need to acknowledge or apologize for. My partner and I have worked incredibly hard to make this happen for us and while we are certainly grateful we were able to make it work, we know the effort, savings and sacrifices we’ve made to make it happen. No one should ever be faulted for this.
Thanks for your support and I hope this can shed light on my perspective.
Davida
I have to agree with you Diana.
Davida, I’ve always enjoyed your authentic voice, but lately I feel a lot of your posts are definitely click-baity, or so obviously sponsored it feels like you’re just throwing up a post to bring in a few bucks.
Feeling duped more often than not when I visit THM these days, drawn here with the promise of big revelations or insightful posts, but it all just feels so contrived. ?
I’m very sorry to hear that, Anne. As I mentioned to Diana, sharing your thoughts and feelings on the internet means that you will never be immune to hearing a difference of opinion. That being said, I know my truth and I know without question that everything I shared in this post is my honest and raw emotions. The last few months have been incredibly challenging for me, both personally and professionally. There have been major growing pains that I’ve had to sort out and I wanted to let you all in even if I may not have them all figured out yet.
Again, I’m sorry that you feel this way and I respect your opinion even if I disagree.
-Davida
I love these posts from you Davida. I love how you get so real because we all know social media doesn’t display it all. I’m glad you are doing better though! My bf and I moved across the country almost 3 (wow, can’t believe it’s been that long!) years and were in the same situation as you guys. You will def miss back home, but will be making new amazing experiences that you wouldn’t have if you stayed put. I just started a healthy meal prep delivery company for a handful of people and while it has been fun, it has been so overwhelming at the same time. Making 100 meals in a week can be stressful when you have only 2 feet of counter space in a tiny kitchen. I def have broke down a few times over it. But I’m learning and growing and it has been fun! I can’t wait to see what SF has in store for you. We are visiting in a few months and I’m so excited!! xoxo
That’s so exciting Kelly! Of course, social media doesn’t always display the struggles behind the scenes but your honesty is always appreciated and encouraging for me to do the same. Can’t wait to watch your journey unfold! Thank you as always for the support!
It’s incredibly brave of you to be so honest and transparent! Congrats on the move! While scary, it must be so exciting to create a new life! A few years ago my boyfriend and I packed up our two little cars to the brim and moved from NY to Dallas, where we didn’t know a soul. While it wasn’t all rainbows and sunshine at first, it was such an amazing adventure recreating our lives together- in the beginning, we had no one else to lean on, but each other so it’s a great way to grow together. We both quickly made friends that will be in our lives forever and I have no doubt it will be the same for you! Being away from family is never easy, but they are just a plane ride away and will always be there no matter what. It’s important to do what makes you happy and live the life you’ve always wanted! It sounds like Cali has been a dream for a while! I hope you have the best adventure in your new city and I can’t wait to see what you do with THM in the future! Best of luck 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing your story. That is SO encouraging to us as we kick off this new adventure. Looking forward to being able to look around and feel that same level of contentment and network you’ve found in Dallas! xoxo
Love your honesty as always. But am I disappointed – you said moving to California and here I am, aaaaaall excited. Wrong “san”. San Diego girl! Come to San Diego! Selfishly I would really love to be your neighbor. SF is cold. Come here. It’s only one additional move 😉
haha thanks girl! We’ll be down in SD sometime this year and would love to meet up!!