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I honestly don’t even know where to begin with this post. I feel like I’ve been writing it for weeks in my head, but as I sit here attempting to release it I feel so much resistance. I know it’s my ego. It wants to desperately protect me and keep the facade that everything is magical and perfect. But as most of us know, that kind of life doesn’t actually exist.
My friend texted me this the other week: “The Healthy Maven seems like she’s doing great, but how are YOU?”. Everything that has been happening is summed up perfectly in this one message. I try to keep THM a positive place. It’s not the dumping ground for my mess and while I’ve never claimed to be perfect, it’s not my goal to bring you down with me. But that doesn’t mean that behind the brand I don’t have bad days, or weeks or questioned if I’m legitimate enough to be inspiring anyone, let alone half a million of you.
But in the process of trying to not let my mess seep into my business, a wall was built. A wall that I’m tired and quite frankly, not very good at keeping upright. So I’ve decided to let it out and let you in.
I also want to say that things have not been all bad. Nothing in life is ever that black and white. It’s just that I’ve spent the last few months highlighting the good and while I’m certainly an advocate for focusing on the positive, I think it’s a disservice to all of you to let anyone feel as though life should look like unicorns and rainbows for it to be normal. Especially when it comes to health. We all have seasons in our lives full of great moments and even greater obstacles.
I hope this post can help tear down this wall I’ve built between us, but also inspire you to be honest with yourself and your community. There is no shame in imperfection.
THE MOVE.
Perhaps the biggest news and subsequently the thing I’ve most struggled with not telling you is that WE MOVED. My close friends and family have known what’s been going on, but I intentionally kept this news off the blog. We left Toronto for a lot of reasons and I’m so grateful for the time we were able to spend in Minnesota with C’s family in the Fall. C and I had talked about moving to California since we started dating 5 years ago so after packing up all of our stuff to spend some time in Minnesota, we figured “Hey! Let’s try out this whole California thing!”.
So for those of you who have asked and who I’ve intentionally dodged your questions, or who have been wondering what the heck is going on:
We moved to San Francisco.
It’s still kind of surreal to type that and it definitely has not sunk in yet, but it’s starting to.
One of the biggest reasons why I didn’t share this news was because we wound up facing a lot of challenges in our move. On the practical side, we ran into some issues with being Canadians who had no credit in the US (we’re both US citizens too, we just hadn’t established credit) and after totalling our car, our plan to be outside of the city was kind of shot. We basically had to take the whole life we had imagined for ourselves out here and flip it on its head.
I was surprised by how emotional the whole experience made me. This certainly wasn’t my first move, but I think I was so focused on 7 steps ahead that I forgot or failed to prepare myself for the obstacles that you inevitably run into when you move. I also never let myself get emotional about what we were leaving behind in Toronto. We had a really great life there (and still do!) and it was only when the going got tough out here that all of this became abundantly clear. And while I know now that we made the right decision, it was hard not to dwell on what we had lost. I was and am still missing my family, my bestie, our close friends, and Rhett (!!!), but I’m also realizing that I can miss them and also build a really great life out here.
They say to “go where you’ll grow” and I’ve never doubted for a second that this whole experience has been one of the most growth-inducing of my life. I’m better for it, even if it involved a lot of tears and frustrations. I’m happy to say we’ve weathered the eye of the storm (or so I think) and I’m now feeling a lot more optimistic and excited about our decision.
Stay tuned for an apartment tour and lots more adventures in the Bay Area. Also if you’re from the Bay and want to connect, I would love that! I’m shamelessly looking for friends lol
THE CRASH.
As I’m sure you’ve all heard by now, on our road trip out to San Francisco, we hit a deer and totalled our car. I’m probably annoying all of you by still talking about it, but honestly, I haven’t been okay. In the immediate aftermath it hadn’t really sunk in what had happened and I was laser focused on getting back on the road and finishing the trip rather than dealing with the emotional impact of it all.
As I think back on the experience and see pictures of the car, I realize how incredibly fortunate we were to have all come out of it unscathed. Had C swerved or had the deer been in a different position, it might have ended very differently. Of course, there is no value in playing the “what if” game other than to be a motivator to really appreciate and value what you have, but it still scares the living wits out of me.
One unfortunate side-effect of all of this is that I start to panic a little bit when I hear loud, sudden noises (I was freaking out with all of the fireworks in Guatemala), and driving, which was already my greatest fear has become a nightmare. I know it will get better with time, but I thought you should know where I’m at.
THE REDESIGN.
Since we’ve all hopped on board this honesty train, I have to admit that I strongly dislike the layout and design of the blog. So much so that I’ve pretty much stopped looking at the blog or previewing new posts. It makes me sad to say this, but I just don’t feel like the design really reflects what the blog is about anymore. About 6 months ago I launched a redesign process and hired who I believed to be “the dream team”. I blame no one but myself but the whole situation unfolded in a direction I had a gut feeling was the wrong one and in the end it resulted in a site that I’m neither proud of nor do I think is any better a reflection of THM than the current design.
It was hard, frustrating and just generally really sad to see a lot of resources (mainly $$$) and time wasted on this process, but I’m trying (emphasis on trying!) to get past this. It unfortunately means that the dream site I’ve been hoping for will have to take a back seat while I regroup but will hopefully become a reality in the future.
I’d like to believe THM is sort of like a hole-in-the-wall restaurant, where the exterior doesn’t show-off how good the food is inside. At the end of the day, I want to do good and meaning-full work so the frills can wait!
Of all 700+ posts I’ve written on the blog, this one has to be the most cathartic. I’ve always found writing to be one of the best forms of therapy and it’s only amplified when your truth is released to a group of amazing readers that have supported you through it all.
There are a lot of great things coming. Things I’m unbelievably excited for (next season of the podcast woot!). But there will be challenges too. I’m doing my best to not run away from these challenges or hide them from you. In so many ways, you guys are my community and no one should ever have to weather a storm alone.
Thank you for always being so supportive and joining along as I share each season of my life. Both the good, and the bad.
Lots of love.
-D
photo by Bettina Bogar
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Hey Davida – welcome to the bay! I’m glad you made it here safely (physically and emotionally, that crash sounded terrible). I’m originally from Canada but living here too in Redwood city (30 mins north of Sf).
Your content always gives me good vibes and I’d love to show you around my fav food, fitness, or whatever spots in Silicon Valley and the bay. There’s so much to see and do so if you want to hang out, I’m super up for brunch!
Here’s my info so you can Google me, if you want!
Courtney Louisy
408-903-9672
[email protected]
Thanks so much, lovely! We were actually living not too far from Redwood City when we first landed here but just recently moved into the city. Thanks so much for connecting and once I’m back from my press trip I’ll be in touch!
As cheesy as it is: big hugs to you. It sounds like life has been a whirlwind with quite a few lemons thrown at you lately. Hopefully that means you’ll be rewarded with lots of sunshine [literally and metaphorically] in the future.
It’s been said so many times and still rings true: the posts that are the hardest to write are those that truly allow our readers to connect with us. Not like I hadn’t felt like that before but this made me think even more highly of you. Keep being your amazing self.
Thank you so much, love. I am so grateful for your support and just how amazing you’ve been over the years. You never fail to make me feel a little less alone when I’m feeling down. So so so appreciate it!
I think you’re doing us all a huge favour by sharing both the good and the bad…especially as a lifestyle blog. I’d argue the way you’ve done it here (after you’ve had some time to process it all yourself) is the best possible approach. Thanks!
Thank you Monika! Time has certainly helped ease some of the emotions and given me some space to process before sharing. So grateful for your patience and support!
Here’s the deal – I feel like you are a friend, a real person who has ups and downs and shares stuff when it feels right to you. You post great recipes and write as if we were in the same room talking to each other. I appreciate the fact that you share your life with me and have nothing but respect for how you do you. We are all in a journey and stuff happens daily that may change the course of the journey and we can only do what we can do at that moment in time. You keep doing it the way you think is right and I’ll be along for the ride!
Diana – thank you so much! I feel the same way. I admire and have such respect for anyone who can be honest with themselves, let alone an entire audience of people, because it certainly isn’t easy. Thank you for supporting me through this and just being an awesome friend in the process. I hope you’ll follow along as the journey continues and I can’t wait to stay updated on yours!
Love this post! Yay for honesty. I’m in Berkeley, come explore the east bay!
Definitely hoping to get some East Bay exploring in! Always open to recommendations 🙂
Have to second all of the above responses! I’m so excited for your move and exploration of California (biased as a native Californian but currently in NYC hoping to get back) and admire your vulnerability. I’ve stepped away from my blog for a bit to figure out how to address more than just the happy go lucky and it’s tough! Especially since my grandparents read it and read into everything. I think I gravitated towards blogging (Lee’s blog in the first place actually) to find authentic people who I could connect with. I love all that you post about and send lots of well wishes! P.S. You must check out Smitten. It’s amazing.
Omg I walked by it yesterday! I’ll stop in next time. Thank you so much for the support, love and definitely let me know if you’re back in Cali and up in the Bay!
“Go where you’ll grow” rings so true for me. That’s what my entire college experience has been like. Away from home, full of tears, and also full of SO MUCH growth and confidence-building. And I also know the feeling of not loving the look of your blog. But your content is wonderful and looks are overrated 😉 You’ll get your dream design someday. I so admire your honesty and can’t wait to see how you thrive in SF.
You’re so right! Looks are shallow, and the same applies to our blogs! College was like that for me too. I felt like I only really hit my groove there in my fourth year. It takes me a long time to adjust to things, which is something I’ve had to learn over and over again!
Let it out woman!!! We are ALL always here to support you and each other when we go through the ups and downs and major changes in life. You have a lot going on and I am just glad that you are OKAY health wise and you have a good support system. On a positive note, you look beautiful and your recent photos are amazing. And I’ll let you in on something too, I am so done with my blog design and that my designer has refused to respond to my emails or text messages. It infuriates me so much and it’s so unprofessional and UGH…Rant over! XOXO
Girl I feel your pain! It is so frustrating and I’m sure you know the feeling when your blog feels like your baby! Thank you for the support and always here to chat or vent when these things inevitably happen!
I can totally relate with you about hitting a deer! my husband and I hit a deer on Christmas morning 2015. it was one of those things that I didn’t get to process right away and was just trying to soothe my shaken up husband so we could get home to our family. I find myself terrified to drive at night and on edge about it happening again. we too came out of it physically unscathed but emotionally… its like some kind of PTSD.
I hope you soon feel “settled” in your new home! take it one day at a time.
XO Lo
thoseprettypieces.com
Thank you so much, Lo. I never imagined I’d be shaken up so badly by it (even without any physical injuries), but it’s been really tough. The nice thing about sharing this publicly is how many people have told me they experienced the same thing and knowing you’re not alone makes the recovery so much easier. So grateful for you!
I’m so glad you shared this post, and thank you for being open and vulnerable with your community time and time again. Beautiful blogs and Instagram feeds and incredible videos (like yours) can certainly make it appear that life is all rainbows and unicorns, but thank you for taking the time to also show the messier sides of life.
I can relate to your crash/anxiety. I haven’t been in a terrible car accident (knock on wood), but I have experienced a few other accidents that have left residual anxiety. Trust that with time, your body’s nervous system will calm down… but it’s normal for it to still be fired up.
I’m also excited for THM’s new look whenever it’s ready, but you are so right: the real gems are in posts like these. The sidebars and headers and blog colors are just the extra fun fluff. Your content continues to shine. xoxo
Thank you so much, lovely! Your words of encouragement mean so much and I’m so looking forward to things settling down and getting back in a groove.